Nurturing values: An inevitable part of parenting

If you ask the parents in your practice what their most important task is with their children, they will probably say something about keeping their child safe and developing their child’s character. They might speak about wanting to raise children who are ready to live independently, happily, and successfully. Beyond independence, they may also observe that they want to raise children of good character, with a deeply held value system that reflects their own core principles. The details of such a value system will vary from family to family, but often will include descriptive ideals such as being ethical, empathic, courageous, generous, ambitious, responsible, and having integrity. Because the everyday tasks of life with children can be so demanding, this larger task often does not get much direct attention from physicians and may not even be explicitly discussed between parents. A few questions from their physician can be profoundly helpful to parents as they reflect on practical strategies to cultivate the qualities of character that will prepare their children to live independent, happy, purposeful, and meaningful adult lives.

One way to get a sense of how parents are preparing their children for independence is to ask how they are they teaching their children about the value of money. Do they give their children a predictable allowance? Is it contingent on chores or responsibilities? Do their children have a bank account or a piggy bank? Do they spend time talking with their children about how they manage their money or plan for large purchases? Money is often a charged subject for families. Asking about it explicitly can help support open, thoughtful communication within the family. Parents will be very interested to learn that such discussions and efforts can powerfully support the development of independence, self-confidence, patience, good judgment, and responsibility in their children. You might inform parents that they can consider their child’s natural temperament when having these discussions. An anxious child, who may be prone to worries about poverty and perfection, might benefit from hearing that money is something that everyone needs to learn how to manage, and it is a tool that can make life easier, but it is not a measure of a person’s worth. On the other hand, a very easygoing child may benefit from having an allowance that is contingent on chores or an adolescent could be urged to get a job rather than depend on allowance. This is how they will learn the real value of work and will cultivate discipline, planning, and the meaningful confidence that they know how to work hard. Whether a family is struggling or can afford more than they choose to spend, the values inherent in financial decisions will be very meaningful for the preadolescent or teenager.

While all parents would likely agree that they hope to raise children who are disciplined, responsible, and independent, the other values that they hope their children appreciate and integrate will cover a wider territory. If you understand what the parents in your practice consider to be their most important values, it also will enhance your understanding of that family’s priorities and how they will manage challenges. You might ask them, "What three values, such as caring about others, honesty, or bravery, would you most like to cultivate in your children?" For those parents that have not actively reflected on their values and behavior or where there are differences between parents concerning values, this may be the start of an important conversation at home.

With ethical qualities that are interpersonal, such as empathy or generosity, there is a growing body of evidence in the psychological literature that suggests that children are much more likely to emulate their parents’ behavior than to follow their suggestions. In a classic experiment published in 1975, the psychologist J. Philippe Rushton observed how school-age children’s generous behaviors correspond with the generous (or selfish) behaviors or suggestions of parents and teachers. Rushton found that there was a very robust relationship between what the adults did and what the children did, one that could powerfully counteract what the adults said (when they disagreed). It seems actions truly do speak louder than words.

Clearly, parents should actively pay attention to how they are living their values, demonstrating them to their children in choices they make, both large and small. Then they can consider what experiences might encourage these values for their children. If they value empathy, what sorts of experiences will give their children the chance to experience and develop empathy for others? They might think about school-based activities or hobbies that can foster empathy. Is there an activity dedicated to helping children in need or to partnering with children with physical disabilities? Perhaps there is a group of children that work toward a chosen public service. If there is not such a group at their children’s school, they should consider starting one. By living these values, by doing it in a way that teaches these values to other children, and by being involved in their children’s school experience, parents can very powerfully nourish the development of these values and behaviors in their children.

Parents also might keep these important values in mind as they are helping their older children choose extracurricular activities or apply for summer jobs. While their children are considering what is most interesting to them, what will "look good" on a college application, or how to make the most money, parents might keep in mind how important values, such as empathy, generosity, bravery, discipline, or patience might be nurtured by the various experiences. Ultimately, these will be their teenager’s choices to make, but parents can still have a powerful influence by showing an interest and highlighting the importance of principles beyond dollars or college ambitions.

Emphasizing the potency of modeling treasured values does not mean that parents shouldn’t also talk about these values and even mixed feelings as they approach difficult, value-laden decisions in their own lives. What matters is how such values are discussed. Praise is powerful, and it appears that when parents praise a child’s character, it is even more powerful than when they praise a behavior. This is especially true for younger children (6- to 12-year-olds), when children lightly try on many different behaviors but are considering the kinds of people they wish to be. Likewise, when children fail to live up to their parents’ values, it is effective for parents to share their disappointment, but they should take care not to shame their children, which leave children feeling discouraged and powerless to change.

Beyond praise and reproach, when parents talk openly and with curiosity about these complex, nuanced topics, and genuinely listen to their children’s questions, thoughts, and opinions about them, they are communicating that their child’s thinking, feelings, and character are valued. Parents should look for opportunities to discuss values one step removed from their children. They could discuss characters’ choices in a movie or book, issues faced by their or their children’s friends, challenges managed by a celebrated athlete or celebrity or even events in a reality television show they have watched together. With these conversations, they are helping their children nurture their own ideas about values and demonstrating genuine confidence that their children can develop their own opinions about such complex matters. They also contribute to a climate in which their children appreciate that values should be carefully considered and may evolve over time. These conversations will be most helpful as their teenagers become more autonomous and face choices on their own in late high school, college, and young adulthood. They will build a strong foundation on which their children will gradually construct their own considered, individual value system, one they can reflect upon and modify over their lifetime.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].

If you ask the parents in your practice what their most important task is with their children, they will probably say something about keeping their child safe and developing their child’s character. They might speak about wanting to raise children who are ready to live independently, happily, and successfully. Beyond independence, they may also observe that they want to raise children of good character, with a deeply held value system that reflects their own core principles. The details of such a value system will vary from family to family, but often will include descriptive ideals such as being ethical, empathic, courageous, generous, ambitious, responsible, and having integrity. Because the everyday tasks of life with children can be so demanding, this larger task often does not get much direct attention from physicians and may not even be explicitly discussed between parents. A few questions from their physician can be profoundly helpful to parents as they reflect on practical strategies to cultivate the qualities of character that will prepare their children to live independent, happy, purposeful, and meaningful adult lives.

One way to get a sense of how parents are preparing their children for independence is to ask how they are they teaching their children about the value of money. Do they give their children a predictable allowance? Is it contingent on chores or responsibilities? Do their children have a bank account or a piggy bank? Do they spend time talking with their children about how they manage their money or plan for large purchases? Money is often a charged subject for families. Asking about it explicitly can help support open, thoughtful communication within the family. Parents will be very interested to learn that such discussions and efforts can powerfully support the development of independence, self-confidence, patience, good judgment, and responsibility in their children. You might inform parents that they can consider their child’s natural temperament when having these discussions. An anxious child, who may be prone to worries about poverty and perfection, might benefit from hearing that money is something that everyone needs to learn how to manage, and it is a tool that can make life easier, but it is not a measure of a person’s worth. On the other hand, a very easygoing child may benefit from having an allowance that is contingent on chores or an adolescent could be urged to get a job rather than depend on allowance. This is how they will learn the real value of work and will cultivate discipline, planning, and the meaningful confidence that they know how to work hard. Whether a family is struggling or can afford more than they choose to spend, the values inherent in financial decisions will be very meaningful for the preadolescent or teenager.

While all parents would likely agree that they hope to raise children who are disciplined, responsible, and independent, the other values that they hope their children appreciate and integrate will cover a wider territory. If you understand what the parents in your practice consider to be their most important values, it also will enhance your understanding of that family’s priorities and how they will manage challenges. You might ask them, "What three values, such as caring about others, honesty, or bravery, would you most like to cultivate in your children?" For those parents that have not actively reflected on their values and behavior or where there are differences between parents concerning values, this may be the start of an important conversation at home.

With ethical qualities that are interpersonal, such as empathy or generosity, there is a growing body of evidence in the psychological literature that suggests that children are much more likely to emulate their parents’ behavior than to follow their suggestions. In a classic experiment published in 1975, the psychologist J. Philippe Rushton observed how school-age children’s generous behaviors correspond with the generous (or selfish) behaviors or suggestions of parents and teachers. Rushton found that there was a very robust relationship between what the adults did and what the children did, one that could powerfully counteract what the adults said (when they disagreed). It seems actions truly do speak louder than words.

Clearly, parents should actively pay attention to how they are living their values, demonstrating them to their children in choices they make, both large and small. Then they can consider what experiences might encourage these values for their children. If they value empathy, what sorts of experiences will give their children the chance to experience and develop empathy for others? They might think about school-based activities or hobbies that can foster empathy. Is there an activity dedicated to helping children in need or to partnering with children with physical disabilities? Perhaps there is a group of children that work toward a chosen public service. If there is not such a group at their children’s school, they should consider starting one. By living these values, by doing it in a way that teaches these values to other children, and by being involved in their children’s school experience, parents can very powerfully nourish the development of these values and behaviors in their children.

Parents also might keep these important values in mind as they are helping their older children choose extracurricular activities or apply for summer jobs. While their children are considering what is most interesting to them, what will "look good" on a college application, or how to make the most money, parents might keep in mind how important values, such as empathy, generosity, bravery, discipline, or patience might be nurtured by the various experiences. Ultimately, these will be their teenager’s choices to make, but parents can still have a powerful influence by showing an interest and highlighting the importance of principles beyond dollars or college ambitions.

Emphasizing the potency of modeling treasured values does not mean that parents shouldn’t also talk about these values and even mixed feelings as they approach difficult, value-laden decisions in their own lives. What matters is how such values are discussed. Praise is powerful, and it appears that when parents praise a child’s character, it is even more powerful than when they praise a behavior. This is especially true for younger children (6- to 12-year-olds), when children lightly try on many different behaviors but are considering the kinds of people they wish to be. Likewise, when children fail to live up to their parents’ values, it is effective for parents to share their disappointment, but they should take care not to shame their children, which leave children feeling discouraged and powerless to change.

Beyond praise and reproach, when parents talk openly and with curiosity about these complex, nuanced topics, and genuinely listen to their children’s questions, thoughts, and opinions about them, they are communicating that their child’s thinking, feelings, and character are valued. Parents should look for opportunities to discuss values one step removed from their children. They could discuss characters’ choices in a movie or book, issues faced by their or their children’s friends, challenges managed by a celebrated athlete or celebrity or even events in a reality television show they have watched together. With these conversations, they are helping their children nurture their own ideas about values and demonstrating genuine confidence that their children can develop their own opinions about such complex matters. They also contribute to a climate in which their children appreciate that values should be carefully considered and may evolve over time. These conversations will be most helpful as their teenagers become more autonomous and face choices on their own in late high school, college, and young adulthood. They will build a strong foundation on which their children will gradually construct their own considered, individual value system, one they can reflect upon and modify over their lifetime.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].

If you ask the parents in your practice what their most important task is with their children, they will probably say something about keeping their child safe and developing their child’s character. They might speak about wanting to raise children who are ready to live independently, happily, and successfully. Beyond independence, they may also observe that they want to raise children of good character, with a deeply held value system that reflects their own core principles. The details of such a value system will vary from family to family, but often will include descriptive ideals such as being ethical, empathic, courageous, generous, ambitious, responsible, and having integrity. Because the everyday tasks of life with children can be so demanding, this larger task often does not get much direct attention from physicians and may not even be explicitly discussed between parents. A few questions from their physician can be profoundly helpful to parents as they reflect on practical strategies to cultivate the qualities of character that will prepare their children to live independent, happy, purposeful, and meaningful adult lives.

One way to get a sense of how parents are preparing their children for independence is to ask how they are they teaching their children about the value of money. Do they give their children a predictable allowance? Is it contingent on chores or responsibilities? Do their children have a bank account or a piggy bank? Do they spend time talking with their children about how they manage their money or plan for large purchases? Money is often a charged subject for families. Asking about it explicitly can help support open, thoughtful communication within the family. Parents will be very interested to learn that such discussions and efforts can powerfully support the development of independence, self-confidence, patience, good judgment, and responsibility in their children. You might inform parents that they can consider their child’s natural temperament when having these discussions. An anxious child, who may be prone to worries about poverty and perfection, might benefit from hearing that money is something that everyone needs to learn how to manage, and it is a tool that can make life easier, but it is not a measure of a person’s worth. On the other hand, a very easygoing child may benefit from having an allowance that is contingent on chores or an adolescent could be urged to get a job rather than depend on allowance. This is how they will learn the real value of work and will cultivate discipline, planning, and the meaningful confidence that they know how to work hard. Whether a family is struggling or can afford more than they choose to spend, the values inherent in financial decisions will be very meaningful for the preadolescent or teenager.

While all parents would likely agree that they hope to raise children who are disciplined, responsible, and independent, the other values that they hope their children appreciate and integrate will cover a wider territory. If you understand what the parents in your practice consider to be their most important values, it also will enhance your understanding of that family’s priorities and how they will manage challenges. You might ask them, "What three values, such as caring about others, honesty, or bravery, would you most like to cultivate in your children?" For those parents that have not actively reflected on their values and behavior or where there are differences between parents concerning values, this may be the start of an important conversation at home.

With ethical qualities that are interpersonal, such as empathy or generosity, there is a growing body of evidence in the psychological literature that suggests that children are much more likely to emulate their parents’ behavior than to follow their suggestions. In a classic experiment published in 1975, the psychologist J. Philippe Rushton observed how school-age children’s generous behaviors correspond with the generous (or selfish) behaviors or suggestions of parents and teachers. Rushton found that there was a very robust relationship between what the adults did and what the children did, one that could powerfully counteract what the adults said (when they disagreed). It seems actions truly do speak louder than words.

Clearly, parents should actively pay attention to how they are living their values, demonstrating them to their children in choices they make, both large and small. Then they can consider what experiences might encourage these values for their children. If they value empathy, what sorts of experiences will give their children the chance to experience and develop empathy for others? They might think about school-based activities or hobbies that can foster empathy. Is there an activity dedicated to helping children in need or to partnering with children with physical disabilities? Perhaps there is a group of children that work toward a chosen public service. If there is not such a group at their children’s school, they should consider starting one. By living these values, by doing it in a way that teaches these values to other children, and by being involved in their children’s school experience, parents can very powerfully nourish the development of these values and behaviors in their children.

Parents also might keep these important values in mind as they are helping their older children choose extracurricular activities or apply for summer jobs. While their children are considering what is most interesting to them, what will "look good" on a college application, or how to make the most money, parents might keep in mind how important values, such as empathy, generosity, bravery, discipline, or patience might be nurtured by the various experiences. Ultimately, these will be their teenager’s choices to make, but parents can still have a powerful influence by showing an interest and highlighting the importance of principles beyond dollars or college ambitions.

Emphasizing the potency of modeling treasured values does not mean that parents shouldn’t also talk about these values and even mixed feelings as they approach difficult, value-laden decisions in their own lives. What matters is how such values are discussed. Praise is powerful, and it appears that when parents praise a child’s character, it is even more powerful than when they praise a behavior. This is especially true for younger children (6- to 12-year-olds), when children lightly try on many different behaviors but are considering the kinds of people they wish to be. Likewise, when children fail to live up to their parents’ values, it is effective for parents to share their disappointment, but they should take care not to shame their children, which leave children feeling discouraged and powerless to change.

Beyond praise and reproach, when parents talk openly and with curiosity about these complex, nuanced topics, and genuinely listen to their children’s questions, thoughts, and opinions about them, they are communicating that their child’s thinking, feelings, and character are valued. Parents should look for opportunities to discuss values one step removed from their children. They could discuss characters’ choices in a movie or book, issues faced by their or their children’s friends, challenges managed by a celebrated athlete or celebrity or even events in a reality television show they have watched together. With these conversations, they are helping their children nurture their own ideas about values and demonstrating genuine confidence that their children can develop their own opinions about such complex matters. They also contribute to a climate in which their children appreciate that values should be carefully considered and may evolve over time. These conversations will be most helpful as their teenagers become more autonomous and face choices on their own in late high school, college, and young adulthood. They will build a strong foundation on which their children will gradually construct their own considered, individual value system, one they can reflect upon and modify over their lifetime.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].