Short Notice

"Doctor, thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice."

"When did you call for an appointment?"

"Two days ago."

"Sappho, in my office. Right now."

"What's the matter, Doctor?"

"My last patient called only 2 days ago and got an appointment."

"But you had an opening..."

"I know it, and you know it, but the whole world doesn't have to know it. What if my colleagues find out? When do we get Grisnelda's Mystery Shopper report?"

"At lunch, today."

"OK, Grisnelda, whenever you're ready."

"I made this quarter's calls to try getting appointments around town, Doctor."

"Excellent, Grisnelda. Did you use the untraceable cell phone?"

"Yes, and then I threw it in the Charles River just like they do in the Hudson on 'Law and Order.'"

"Great. What did you find?"

"Borromeo Dermatology has a 6-week wait, down from 7 last quarter. Birkenstock Integrative Cutaneous Wellness has 9 weeks, up from 8. Stanislavsky Skin is holding steady at 4 months."

"Stanislavsky only works Wednesday afternoons. What about the hospital clinics?"

"At Mount Saint Helen's they can see you in November."

"November of this year? By that time, you'll probably either be better or not care."

"And then of course there's UADLPSSCADLE."

"Who on earth is that?"

"That's the new name for Metroderm, the big group with offices all over. It stands for Urban Agglomeration for Dermatology, Laser, Plastic Surgery, Skin Care, Age Defiance, and Lifestyle Enhancement."

"Good heavens! How do they answer the phone?"

"'Urban Agglomeration - where, to whom, and toward what end may we direct your call?' They have a 3-month wait, and that's after dropping Medicaid and all the low-paying HMOs."

"We actually get some of their isotretinoin patients. They need to be confirmed on iPLEDGE once a month, but they can't fit them in for follow-up in less than two. Sappho, do you see how embarrassing this is? What kind of place must this practice be if you can be seen the day after tomorrow? Why would anybody want to get an appointment at a place where anybody can just call up and get an appointment?"

"But, Doctor..."

"Let me make this perfectly clear. If we let on that I have openings and the word gets out, then people will be unwilling to make appointments, and then I'll have openings. Do you follow?"

"Not exactly..."

"Well, thanks for your input, everybody. It's time for us to get back to work."

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Rabinowitz. My goodness, I haven't seen you in 4 years."

"I had a problem last summer, Doctor, but you were on vacation, and they told me I wouldn't be able to see you for 3 months."

"Three months! Mrs. Rabinowitz, in more than 30 years I have never had patients wait anywhere near that long. In fact..."

"Well, that's what the receptionist told me, Doctor. So I called another dermatologist down the street, and he took care of me the same day. Such a nice young man, too."

Dr. Rockoff writes the column, "Under My Skin," which regularly appears in Skin & Allergy News, an Elsevier publication. He practices dermatology in Brookline, Mass. To respond to this column, e-mail Dr. Rockoff at [email protected].

"Doctor, thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice."

"When did you call for an appointment?"

"Two days ago."

"Sappho, in my office. Right now."

"What's the matter, Doctor?"

"My last patient called only 2 days ago and got an appointment."

"But you had an opening..."

"I know it, and you know it, but the whole world doesn't have to know it. What if my colleagues find out? When do we get Grisnelda's Mystery Shopper report?"

"At lunch, today."

"OK, Grisnelda, whenever you're ready."

"I made this quarter's calls to try getting appointments around town, Doctor."

"Excellent, Grisnelda. Did you use the untraceable cell phone?"

"Yes, and then I threw it in the Charles River just like they do in the Hudson on 'Law and Order.'"

"Great. What did you find?"

"Borromeo Dermatology has a 6-week wait, down from 7 last quarter. Birkenstock Integrative Cutaneous Wellness has 9 weeks, up from 8. Stanislavsky Skin is holding steady at 4 months."

"Stanislavsky only works Wednesday afternoons. What about the hospital clinics?"

"At Mount Saint Helen's they can see you in November."

"November of this year? By that time, you'll probably either be better or not care."

"And then of course there's UADLPSSCADLE."

"Who on earth is that?"

"That's the new name for Metroderm, the big group with offices all over. It stands for Urban Agglomeration for Dermatology, Laser, Plastic Surgery, Skin Care, Age Defiance, and Lifestyle Enhancement."

"Good heavens! How do they answer the phone?"

"'Urban Agglomeration - where, to whom, and toward what end may we direct your call?' They have a 3-month wait, and that's after dropping Medicaid and all the low-paying HMOs."

"We actually get some of their isotretinoin patients. They need to be confirmed on iPLEDGE once a month, but they can't fit them in for follow-up in less than two. Sappho, do you see how embarrassing this is? What kind of place must this practice be if you can be seen the day after tomorrow? Why would anybody want to get an appointment at a place where anybody can just call up and get an appointment?"

"But, Doctor..."

"Let me make this perfectly clear. If we let on that I have openings and the word gets out, then people will be unwilling to make appointments, and then I'll have openings. Do you follow?"

"Not exactly..."

"Well, thanks for your input, everybody. It's time for us to get back to work."

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Rabinowitz. My goodness, I haven't seen you in 4 years."

"I had a problem last summer, Doctor, but you were on vacation, and they told me I wouldn't be able to see you for 3 months."

"Three months! Mrs. Rabinowitz, in more than 30 years I have never had patients wait anywhere near that long. In fact..."

"Well, that's what the receptionist told me, Doctor. So I called another dermatologist down the street, and he took care of me the same day. Such a nice young man, too."

Dr. Rockoff writes the column, "Under My Skin," which regularly appears in Skin & Allergy News, an Elsevier publication. He practices dermatology in Brookline, Mass. To respond to this column, e-mail Dr. Rockoff at [email protected].

"Doctor, thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice."

"When did you call for an appointment?"

"Two days ago."

"Sappho, in my office. Right now."

"What's the matter, Doctor?"

"My last patient called only 2 days ago and got an appointment."

"But you had an opening..."

"I know it, and you know it, but the whole world doesn't have to know it. What if my colleagues find out? When do we get Grisnelda's Mystery Shopper report?"

"At lunch, today."

"OK, Grisnelda, whenever you're ready."

"I made this quarter's calls to try getting appointments around town, Doctor."

"Excellent, Grisnelda. Did you use the untraceable cell phone?"

"Yes, and then I threw it in the Charles River just like they do in the Hudson on 'Law and Order.'"

"Great. What did you find?"

"Borromeo Dermatology has a 6-week wait, down from 7 last quarter. Birkenstock Integrative Cutaneous Wellness has 9 weeks, up from 8. Stanislavsky Skin is holding steady at 4 months."

"Stanislavsky only works Wednesday afternoons. What about the hospital clinics?"

"At Mount Saint Helen's they can see you in November."

"November of this year? By that time, you'll probably either be better or not care."

"And then of course there's UADLPSSCADLE."

"Who on earth is that?"

"That's the new name for Metroderm, the big group with offices all over. It stands for Urban Agglomeration for Dermatology, Laser, Plastic Surgery, Skin Care, Age Defiance, and Lifestyle Enhancement."

"Good heavens! How do they answer the phone?"

"'Urban Agglomeration - where, to whom, and toward what end may we direct your call?' They have a 3-month wait, and that's after dropping Medicaid and all the low-paying HMOs."

"We actually get some of their isotretinoin patients. They need to be confirmed on iPLEDGE once a month, but they can't fit them in for follow-up in less than two. Sappho, do you see how embarrassing this is? What kind of place must this practice be if you can be seen the day after tomorrow? Why would anybody want to get an appointment at a place where anybody can just call up and get an appointment?"

"But, Doctor..."

"Let me make this perfectly clear. If we let on that I have openings and the word gets out, then people will be unwilling to make appointments, and then I'll have openings. Do you follow?"

"Not exactly..."

"Well, thanks for your input, everybody. It's time for us to get back to work."

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Rabinowitz. My goodness, I haven't seen you in 4 years."

"I had a problem last summer, Doctor, but you were on vacation, and they told me I wouldn't be able to see you for 3 months."

"Three months! Mrs. Rabinowitz, in more than 30 years I have never had patients wait anywhere near that long. In fact..."

"Well, that's what the receptionist told me, Doctor. So I called another dermatologist down the street, and he took care of me the same day. Such a nice young man, too."

Dr. Rockoff writes the column, "Under My Skin," which regularly appears in Skin & Allergy News, an Elsevier publication. He practices dermatology in Brookline, Mass. To respond to this column, e-mail Dr. Rockoff at [email protected].