Thinking about the institution of marriage – Part I

Throughout history, views of marriage have evolved as societies change. Since the 6th century, the Roman Catholic Church has played a prominent role in thinking and developing our ideas about marriage and family. In October, the church sent out a document that included a questionnaire to its bishops around the world to find out what Catholics think about the "modern family." The Vatican sent out the document in preparation for the Synod of Bishops on the Family, which is slated for October 2014. Before we get the results, let’s review how society has reflected on marriage and family.

Historically, marriages often were strategic alliances between families. It was common for marriage to be between first and second cousins in order to strengthen family ties. Polygamy has been common throughout history and continues in many communities to this day.

Monogamy is also found throughout history, but in 1215, the Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices of an impending marriage in a local parish to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the Catholic Church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed. In the 1500s, with the rise in Protestantism, marriage became a civil matter rather than a sacrament. By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses, and by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Marriage through the ages

Here is a listing of the way in which marriage has been conceptualized over the years:

Arranged alliances: A strategic alliance between families.

Family ties: Keeping alliances within the family; the majority of all marriages throughout history were between first and second cousins.

Polygamy: A phenomenon that has been common throughout history.

Babies optional: In many early cultures, men could dissolve a marriage or take another wife if a woman was infertile. However, the early Christian church was a trailblazer in arguing that marriage was not contingent upon producing offspring.

Monogamy: This practice became the guiding principle for Western marriages between the 6th and 9th centuries because of the church.

Sacred vs. secular: In 1215, the Roman Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices, or banns, of an impending marriage in a local parish in order to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed.

Civil marriage: By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses and, by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Romance: By the 1900s, mutual attraction became important.

Market economics: Families historically controlled access to inheritance of agricultural land, but with the spread of a market economy, it becomes possible for people to marry outside of this inheritance.

Women’s equality: About 50 years ago, in Western countries, women and men began to have equal rights and responsibilities. Instead of being about unique, gender-based roles, most partners conceived of their unions in terms of flexible divisions of labor, companionship, and mutual sexual attraction.

Same-sex marriages: One of the reasons for the stunningly rapid increase in acceptance of same-sex marriage is because heterosexuals have completely changed their notion that all marriages are between a man and a woman, notes Stephanie Coontz, Ph.D. "We now believe marriage is based on love, mutual sexual attraction, equality, and a flexible division of labor."

Source: Adapted from "Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage," (New York: Viking, 2005), by Dr. Coontz.

A sacred view of marriage

The Catholic position throughout history has been that marriage is one of the seven sacraments bestowed by Christ. This questionnaire is an attempt by the Vatican to understand more about "mixed or interreligious marriages; the single-parent family; polygamy; marriages with the consequent problem of a dowry, sometimes understood as the purchase price of the woman; the caste system; a culture of noncommitment and a presumption that the marriage bond can be temporary; forms of feminism hostile to the Church; migration and the reformulation of the very concept of the family; relativist pluralism in the conception of marriage; the influence of the media on popular culture in its understanding of marriage and family life; underlying trends of thought in legislative proposals which devalue the idea of permanence and faithfulness in the marriage covenant; an increase in the practice of surrogate motherhood (wombs for hire); and new interpretations of what is considered a human right."

Thirty-nine questions are on the questionnaire. Questions 4, 5, and 6 are of most interest to family psychiatrists. Deserving of admiration is its concern for families in migration and for the mistreatment of women.

The terms "regular" and "irregular," used in the questionnaire, are canonical terms unrelated to what actually happens in any given society. It should also be explained that Catholics who married always had to declare that they would welcome such children as God happened to send along, recognizing that he might choose not to send any. A decision to refuse to accept the possibility of children invalidated the marriage vows and constitutes grounds for annulment.

Excerpts from the Vatican document

Questions 4, 5, and 6 of the Vatican’s questionnaire seem aimed at gathering data on different kinds of families. Here are those three questions:

Pastoral Care in Certain Difficult Marital Situations

a) Is cohabitation ad experimentum a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage?

b) Do unions which are not recognized either religiously or civilly exist? Are reliable statistics available?

c) Are separated couples and those divorced and remarried a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage? How do you deal with this situation in appropriate pastoral programmes? (sic)

d) In all the above cases, how do the baptized live in this irregular situation? Are they aware of it? Are they simply indifferent? Do they feel marginalized or suffer from the impossibility of receiving the sacraments?

f) Could a simplification of canonical practice in recognizing a declaration of nullity of the marriage bond provide a positive contribution to solving the problems of the persons involved? If yes, what form would it take?

Does a ministry exist to attend to these cases? Describe this pastoral ministry? Do such programmes exist on the national and diocesan levels? How is God’s mercy proclaimed to separated couples and those divorced and remarried, and how does the Church put into practice her support for them in their journey of faith?

On Unions of Persons of the Same Sex

a) Is there a law in your country recognizing civil unions for people of the same-sex and equating it in some way to marriage?

b) What is the attitude of the local and particular Churches towards both the State as the promoter of civil unions between persons of the same sex and the people involved in this type of union?

c) What pastoral attention can be given to people who have chosen to live in these types of union?

In the case of unions of persons of the same sex who have adopted children, what can be done pastorally in light of transmitting the faith?

The Education of Children in Irregular Marriages

a) What is the estimated proportion of children and adolescents in these cases, as regards children who are born and raised in regularly constituted families?

b) How do parents in these situations approach the Church? What do they ask? Do they request the sacraments only or do they also want catechesis and the general teaching of religion?

c) How do the particular Churches attempt to meet the needs of the parents of these children to provide them with a Christian education?

Source: Pastoral Challenges to the Family in the Context of Evangelization

A secular view of marriage

A secular view of marriage has been advanced by economists Betsey Stevenson, Ph.D., and Justin Wolfers, Ph.D., who describe the extent to which marriage is shaped by economic forces. "Productive marriage" is based on a division of labor. In the earlier part of the 20th century in Western countries, school, education, and the emerging TV and magazine markets illustrated how women could be good homemakers and men could be good providers. The liberation of women through education and access to birth control changed the playing field. Prior to this, college-educated women were the least likely to marry. Since the 1960s and 1970s, educated women could prevent pregnancy and support themselves, and found little use for the previous productive model of marriage.

Men, also, did not see educated, financially independent women as suitable marriage partners. The high divorce rate among those who married in the1970s reflected discontent with this model of the productive marriage.

In contrast, Dr. Stevenson and Dr. Wolfers write, "hedonic marriage" occurs when people who marry are of similar age, educational background, and perhaps occupation. The hedonic marriage better suits educated women who seek a companion, and it thrives when time and resources are available to enjoy companionable life. Same-sex marriages make sense when considered in this broad frame. Supporting this concept is the fact that couples who have married in recent years are more likely to stay together than were their parents’ generation. Of course, this discourse is only relevant in parts of the world in which women have access to birth control and opportunities for education, work, and social standing.

Romance and marriage

The question of romance in marriage is the hardest for psychiatrists, as scientists, to address. Romance has always been around, sometimes present in marriages and sometimes not. Romance is thought to be both essential and nonessential to marriage, depending on the purpose of the marriage. A good discussion by Dr. Henry Grunebaum can be found an article titled "Thinking about romantic/erotic love" in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy(1997;23:295-307). His main points are that we do not have control over our feelings of romantic/erotic love, that these feelings occur relatively infrequently during most people’s lives, that being with a partner whom one loves, is valued and regarded as a good, that it sometimes conflicts with other values and goods, and lastly that although love is regarded as one essential basis for marriage, other qualities and capacities are important in sustaining a long-term relationship such as a marriage. He concludes with, "What makes matters even more challenging is the fact that we ask a great deal of marriage, of any serious intimate relationship. Perhaps the greatest demand we make is that it should combine passion and stability, romance and monogamy, transports of tenderness and excitement from the person who will also perform the many mundane tasks of daily living. In other words, meld everyday love with romantic/erotic love." He offers suggestions for discussion and guidelines for therapists.

Applying all of this in our work

As family psychiatrists, we can allow couples and families a therapeutic space to discuss the meaning and assumptions in their marriage. We can discuss the frame of the marriage: Is it sacred, secular, or postmodern? In this way, we can provide a context to the current struggles that couples and families might have.

To begin, we can ask about the past. We can say, "People get married for different reasons. What were your reasons? Do you consider your marriage to be a sacred or a secular? What does this mean to you?"

Delving deeper and focusing more on the present, "What is your current experience of your marriage? How do your expectations differ now than from your expectations in the past? What is the role of romance in your marriage?

What type of marriage did you want when you began this marriage? Is there romance in your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want now?

Focusing on going forward we can ask: "What works well in your marriage/family? What are your strengths? What needs to change in your marriage?"

In the late 1970s, postmodernism emerged in the world. Postmodernism stands in contrast to the "modern" or scientific view that touts a singularity of truth and a singular view of the world. Social construction is a type of postmodern theory that states that truth, reality, and knowledge are based in the social context of that particular person. Inevitably, postmodernism affects how we think about and conceptualize marriage. Postmodernism and marriage will be the subject of the next column.

I would like to thank Peter Chaloner, M.A., LL.B, B.A. (Honors), and Dip. Theo., for his comments and corrections.

Dr. Heru is with the department of psychiatry at the University of Colorado at Denver, Aurora. She is editor of the recently published book, "Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals" (New York: Routledge, 2013).

Throughout history, views of marriage have evolved as societies change. Since the 6th century, the Roman Catholic Church has played a prominent role in thinking and developing our ideas about marriage and family. In October, the church sent out a document that included a questionnaire to its bishops around the world to find out what Catholics think about the "modern family." The Vatican sent out the document in preparation for the Synod of Bishops on the Family, which is slated for October 2014. Before we get the results, let’s review how society has reflected on marriage and family.

Historically, marriages often were strategic alliances between families. It was common for marriage to be between first and second cousins in order to strengthen family ties. Polygamy has been common throughout history and continues in many communities to this day.

Monogamy is also found throughout history, but in 1215, the Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices of an impending marriage in a local parish to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the Catholic Church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed. In the 1500s, with the rise in Protestantism, marriage became a civil matter rather than a sacrament. By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses, and by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Marriage through the ages

Here is a listing of the way in which marriage has been conceptualized over the years:

Arranged alliances: A strategic alliance between families.

Family ties: Keeping alliances within the family; the majority of all marriages throughout history were between first and second cousins.

Polygamy: A phenomenon that has been common throughout history.

Babies optional: In many early cultures, men could dissolve a marriage or take another wife if a woman was infertile. However, the early Christian church was a trailblazer in arguing that marriage was not contingent upon producing offspring.

Monogamy: This practice became the guiding principle for Western marriages between the 6th and 9th centuries because of the church.

Sacred vs. secular: In 1215, the Roman Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices, or banns, of an impending marriage in a local parish in order to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed.

Civil marriage: By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses and, by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Romance: By the 1900s, mutual attraction became important.

Market economics: Families historically controlled access to inheritance of agricultural land, but with the spread of a market economy, it becomes possible for people to marry outside of this inheritance.

Women’s equality: About 50 years ago, in Western countries, women and men began to have equal rights and responsibilities. Instead of being about unique, gender-based roles, most partners conceived of their unions in terms of flexible divisions of labor, companionship, and mutual sexual attraction.

Same-sex marriages: One of the reasons for the stunningly rapid increase in acceptance of same-sex marriage is because heterosexuals have completely changed their notion that all marriages are between a man and a woman, notes Stephanie Coontz, Ph.D. "We now believe marriage is based on love, mutual sexual attraction, equality, and a flexible division of labor."

Source: Adapted from "Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage," (New York: Viking, 2005), by Dr. Coontz.

A sacred view of marriage

The Catholic position throughout history has been that marriage is one of the seven sacraments bestowed by Christ. This questionnaire is an attempt by the Vatican to understand more about "mixed or interreligious marriages; the single-parent family; polygamy; marriages with the consequent problem of a dowry, sometimes understood as the purchase price of the woman; the caste system; a culture of noncommitment and a presumption that the marriage bond can be temporary; forms of feminism hostile to the Church; migration and the reformulation of the very concept of the family; relativist pluralism in the conception of marriage; the influence of the media on popular culture in its understanding of marriage and family life; underlying trends of thought in legislative proposals which devalue the idea of permanence and faithfulness in the marriage covenant; an increase in the practice of surrogate motherhood (wombs for hire); and new interpretations of what is considered a human right."

Thirty-nine questions are on the questionnaire. Questions 4, 5, and 6 are of most interest to family psychiatrists. Deserving of admiration is its concern for families in migration and for the mistreatment of women.

The terms "regular" and "irregular," used in the questionnaire, are canonical terms unrelated to what actually happens in any given society. It should also be explained that Catholics who married always had to declare that they would welcome such children as God happened to send along, recognizing that he might choose not to send any. A decision to refuse to accept the possibility of children invalidated the marriage vows and constitutes grounds for annulment.

Excerpts from the Vatican document

Questions 4, 5, and 6 of the Vatican’s questionnaire seem aimed at gathering data on different kinds of families. Here are those three questions:

Pastoral Care in Certain Difficult Marital Situations

a) Is cohabitation ad experimentum a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage?

b) Do unions which are not recognized either religiously or civilly exist? Are reliable statistics available?

c) Are separated couples and those divorced and remarried a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage? How do you deal with this situation in appropriate pastoral programmes? (sic)

d) In all the above cases, how do the baptized live in this irregular situation? Are they aware of it? Are they simply indifferent? Do they feel marginalized or suffer from the impossibility of receiving the sacraments?

f) Could a simplification of canonical practice in recognizing a declaration of nullity of the marriage bond provide a positive contribution to solving the problems of the persons involved? If yes, what form would it take?

Does a ministry exist to attend to these cases? Describe this pastoral ministry? Do such programmes exist on the national and diocesan levels? How is God’s mercy proclaimed to separated couples and those divorced and remarried, and how does the Church put into practice her support for them in their journey of faith?

On Unions of Persons of the Same Sex

a) Is there a law in your country recognizing civil unions for people of the same-sex and equating it in some way to marriage?

b) What is the attitude of the local and particular Churches towards both the State as the promoter of civil unions between persons of the same sex and the people involved in this type of union?

c) What pastoral attention can be given to people who have chosen to live in these types of union?

In the case of unions of persons of the same sex who have adopted children, what can be done pastorally in light of transmitting the faith?

The Education of Children in Irregular Marriages

a) What is the estimated proportion of children and adolescents in these cases, as regards children who are born and raised in regularly constituted families?

b) How do parents in these situations approach the Church? What do they ask? Do they request the sacraments only or do they also want catechesis and the general teaching of religion?

c) How do the particular Churches attempt to meet the needs of the parents of these children to provide them with a Christian education?

Source: Pastoral Challenges to the Family in the Context of Evangelization

A secular view of marriage

A secular view of marriage has been advanced by economists Betsey Stevenson, Ph.D., and Justin Wolfers, Ph.D., who describe the extent to which marriage is shaped by economic forces. "Productive marriage" is based on a division of labor. In the earlier part of the 20th century in Western countries, school, education, and the emerging TV and magazine markets illustrated how women could be good homemakers and men could be good providers. The liberation of women through education and access to birth control changed the playing field. Prior to this, college-educated women were the least likely to marry. Since the 1960s and 1970s, educated women could prevent pregnancy and support themselves, and found little use for the previous productive model of marriage.

Men, also, did not see educated, financially independent women as suitable marriage partners. The high divorce rate among those who married in the1970s reflected discontent with this model of the productive marriage.

In contrast, Dr. Stevenson and Dr. Wolfers write, "hedonic marriage" occurs when people who marry are of similar age, educational background, and perhaps occupation. The hedonic marriage better suits educated women who seek a companion, and it thrives when time and resources are available to enjoy companionable life. Same-sex marriages make sense when considered in this broad frame. Supporting this concept is the fact that couples who have married in recent years are more likely to stay together than were their parents’ generation. Of course, this discourse is only relevant in parts of the world in which women have access to birth control and opportunities for education, work, and social standing.

Romance and marriage

The question of romance in marriage is the hardest for psychiatrists, as scientists, to address. Romance has always been around, sometimes present in marriages and sometimes not. Romance is thought to be both essential and nonessential to marriage, depending on the purpose of the marriage. A good discussion by Dr. Henry Grunebaum can be found an article titled "Thinking about romantic/erotic love" in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy(1997;23:295-307). His main points are that we do not have control over our feelings of romantic/erotic love, that these feelings occur relatively infrequently during most people’s lives, that being with a partner whom one loves, is valued and regarded as a good, that it sometimes conflicts with other values and goods, and lastly that although love is regarded as one essential basis for marriage, other qualities and capacities are important in sustaining a long-term relationship such as a marriage. He concludes with, "What makes matters even more challenging is the fact that we ask a great deal of marriage, of any serious intimate relationship. Perhaps the greatest demand we make is that it should combine passion and stability, romance and monogamy, transports of tenderness and excitement from the person who will also perform the many mundane tasks of daily living. In other words, meld everyday love with romantic/erotic love." He offers suggestions for discussion and guidelines for therapists.

Applying all of this in our work

As family psychiatrists, we can allow couples and families a therapeutic space to discuss the meaning and assumptions in their marriage. We can discuss the frame of the marriage: Is it sacred, secular, or postmodern? In this way, we can provide a context to the current struggles that couples and families might have.

To begin, we can ask about the past. We can say, "People get married for different reasons. What were your reasons? Do you consider your marriage to be a sacred or a secular? What does this mean to you?"

Delving deeper and focusing more on the present, "What is your current experience of your marriage? How do your expectations differ now than from your expectations in the past? What is the role of romance in your marriage?

What type of marriage did you want when you began this marriage? Is there romance in your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want now?

Focusing on going forward we can ask: "What works well in your marriage/family? What are your strengths? What needs to change in your marriage?"

In the late 1970s, postmodernism emerged in the world. Postmodernism stands in contrast to the "modern" or scientific view that touts a singularity of truth and a singular view of the world. Social construction is a type of postmodern theory that states that truth, reality, and knowledge are based in the social context of that particular person. Inevitably, postmodernism affects how we think about and conceptualize marriage. Postmodernism and marriage will be the subject of the next column.

I would like to thank Peter Chaloner, M.A., LL.B, B.A. (Honors), and Dip. Theo., for his comments and corrections.

Dr. Heru is with the department of psychiatry at the University of Colorado at Denver, Aurora. She is editor of the recently published book, "Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals" (New York: Routledge, 2013).

Throughout history, views of marriage have evolved as societies change. Since the 6th century, the Roman Catholic Church has played a prominent role in thinking and developing our ideas about marriage and family. In October, the church sent out a document that included a questionnaire to its bishops around the world to find out what Catholics think about the "modern family." The Vatican sent out the document in preparation for the Synod of Bishops on the Family, which is slated for October 2014. Before we get the results, let’s review how society has reflected on marriage and family.

Historically, marriages often were strategic alliances between families. It was common for marriage to be between first and second cousins in order to strengthen family ties. Polygamy has been common throughout history and continues in many communities to this day.

Monogamy is also found throughout history, but in 1215, the Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices of an impending marriage in a local parish to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the Catholic Church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed. In the 1500s, with the rise in Protestantism, marriage became a civil matter rather than a sacrament. By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses, and by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Marriage through the ages

Here is a listing of the way in which marriage has been conceptualized over the years:

Arranged alliances: A strategic alliance between families.

Family ties: Keeping alliances within the family; the majority of all marriages throughout history were between first and second cousins.

Polygamy: A phenomenon that has been common throughout history.

Babies optional: In many early cultures, men could dissolve a marriage or take another wife if a woman was infertile. However, the early Christian church was a trailblazer in arguing that marriage was not contingent upon producing offspring.

Monogamy: This practice became the guiding principle for Western marriages between the 6th and 9th centuries because of the church.

Sacred vs. secular: In 1215, the Roman Catholic Church decreed that partners had to publicly post notices, or banns, of an impending marriage in a local parish in order to cut down on the number of invalid marriages. Until the 1500s, the church accepted a couple’s word that they had exchanged marriage vows, with no witnesses or corroborating evidence needed.

Civil marriage: By 1639, states such as Massachusetts began requiring marriage licenses and, by the 19th century, marriage licenses were common in the United States.

Romance: By the 1900s, mutual attraction became important.

Market economics: Families historically controlled access to inheritance of agricultural land, but with the spread of a market economy, it becomes possible for people to marry outside of this inheritance.

Women’s equality: About 50 years ago, in Western countries, women and men began to have equal rights and responsibilities. Instead of being about unique, gender-based roles, most partners conceived of their unions in terms of flexible divisions of labor, companionship, and mutual sexual attraction.

Same-sex marriages: One of the reasons for the stunningly rapid increase in acceptance of same-sex marriage is because heterosexuals have completely changed their notion that all marriages are between a man and a woman, notes Stephanie Coontz, Ph.D. "We now believe marriage is based on love, mutual sexual attraction, equality, and a flexible division of labor."

Source: Adapted from "Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage," (New York: Viking, 2005), by Dr. Coontz.

A sacred view of marriage

The Catholic position throughout history has been that marriage is one of the seven sacraments bestowed by Christ. This questionnaire is an attempt by the Vatican to understand more about "mixed or interreligious marriages; the single-parent family; polygamy; marriages with the consequent problem of a dowry, sometimes understood as the purchase price of the woman; the caste system; a culture of noncommitment and a presumption that the marriage bond can be temporary; forms of feminism hostile to the Church; migration and the reformulation of the very concept of the family; relativist pluralism in the conception of marriage; the influence of the media on popular culture in its understanding of marriage and family life; underlying trends of thought in legislative proposals which devalue the idea of permanence and faithfulness in the marriage covenant; an increase in the practice of surrogate motherhood (wombs for hire); and new interpretations of what is considered a human right."

Thirty-nine questions are on the questionnaire. Questions 4, 5, and 6 are of most interest to family psychiatrists. Deserving of admiration is its concern for families in migration and for the mistreatment of women.

The terms "regular" and "irregular," used in the questionnaire, are canonical terms unrelated to what actually happens in any given society. It should also be explained that Catholics who married always had to declare that they would welcome such children as God happened to send along, recognizing that he might choose not to send any. A decision to refuse to accept the possibility of children invalidated the marriage vows and constitutes grounds for annulment.

Excerpts from the Vatican document

Questions 4, 5, and 6 of the Vatican’s questionnaire seem aimed at gathering data on different kinds of families. Here are those three questions:

Pastoral Care in Certain Difficult Marital Situations

a) Is cohabitation ad experimentum a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage?

b) Do unions which are not recognized either religiously or civilly exist? Are reliable statistics available?

c) Are separated couples and those divorced and remarried a pastoral reality in your particular Church? Can you approximate a percentage? How do you deal with this situation in appropriate pastoral programmes? (sic)

d) In all the above cases, how do the baptized live in this irregular situation? Are they aware of it? Are they simply indifferent? Do they feel marginalized or suffer from the impossibility of receiving the sacraments?

f) Could a simplification of canonical practice in recognizing a declaration of nullity of the marriage bond provide a positive contribution to solving the problems of the persons involved? If yes, what form would it take?

Does a ministry exist to attend to these cases? Describe this pastoral ministry? Do such programmes exist on the national and diocesan levels? How is God’s mercy proclaimed to separated couples and those divorced and remarried, and how does the Church put into practice her support for them in their journey of faith?

On Unions of Persons of the Same Sex

a) Is there a law in your country recognizing civil unions for people of the same-sex and equating it in some way to marriage?

b) What is the attitude of the local and particular Churches towards both the State as the promoter of civil unions between persons of the same sex and the people involved in this type of union?

c) What pastoral attention can be given to people who have chosen to live in these types of union?

In the case of unions of persons of the same sex who have adopted children, what can be done pastorally in light of transmitting the faith?

The Education of Children in Irregular Marriages

a) What is the estimated proportion of children and adolescents in these cases, as regards children who are born and raised in regularly constituted families?

b) How do parents in these situations approach the Church? What do they ask? Do they request the sacraments only or do they also want catechesis and the general teaching of religion?

c) How do the particular Churches attempt to meet the needs of the parents of these children to provide them with a Christian education?

Source: Pastoral Challenges to the Family in the Context of Evangelization

A secular view of marriage

A secular view of marriage has been advanced by economists Betsey Stevenson, Ph.D., and Justin Wolfers, Ph.D., who describe the extent to which marriage is shaped by economic forces. "Productive marriage" is based on a division of labor. In the earlier part of the 20th century in Western countries, school, education, and the emerging TV and magazine markets illustrated how women could be good homemakers and men could be good providers. The liberation of women through education and access to birth control changed the playing field. Prior to this, college-educated women were the least likely to marry. Since the 1960s and 1970s, educated women could prevent pregnancy and support themselves, and found little use for the previous productive model of marriage.

Men, also, did not see educated, financially independent women as suitable marriage partners. The high divorce rate among those who married in the1970s reflected discontent with this model of the productive marriage.

In contrast, Dr. Stevenson and Dr. Wolfers write, "hedonic marriage" occurs when people who marry are of similar age, educational background, and perhaps occupation. The hedonic marriage better suits educated women who seek a companion, and it thrives when time and resources are available to enjoy companionable life. Same-sex marriages make sense when considered in this broad frame. Supporting this concept is the fact that couples who have married in recent years are more likely to stay together than were their parents’ generation. Of course, this discourse is only relevant in parts of the world in which women have access to birth control and opportunities for education, work, and social standing.

Romance and marriage

The question of romance in marriage is the hardest for psychiatrists, as scientists, to address. Romance has always been around, sometimes present in marriages and sometimes not. Romance is thought to be both essential and nonessential to marriage, depending on the purpose of the marriage. A good discussion by Dr. Henry Grunebaum can be found an article titled "Thinking about romantic/erotic love" in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy(1997;23:295-307). His main points are that we do not have control over our feelings of romantic/erotic love, that these feelings occur relatively infrequently during most people’s lives, that being with a partner whom one loves, is valued and regarded as a good, that it sometimes conflicts with other values and goods, and lastly that although love is regarded as one essential basis for marriage, other qualities and capacities are important in sustaining a long-term relationship such as a marriage. He concludes with, "What makes matters even more challenging is the fact that we ask a great deal of marriage, of any serious intimate relationship. Perhaps the greatest demand we make is that it should combine passion and stability, romance and monogamy, transports of tenderness and excitement from the person who will also perform the many mundane tasks of daily living. In other words, meld everyday love with romantic/erotic love." He offers suggestions for discussion and guidelines for therapists.

Applying all of this in our work

As family psychiatrists, we can allow couples and families a therapeutic space to discuss the meaning and assumptions in their marriage. We can discuss the frame of the marriage: Is it sacred, secular, or postmodern? In this way, we can provide a context to the current struggles that couples and families might have.

To begin, we can ask about the past. We can say, "People get married for different reasons. What were your reasons? Do you consider your marriage to be a sacred or a secular? What does this mean to you?"

Delving deeper and focusing more on the present, "What is your current experience of your marriage? How do your expectations differ now than from your expectations in the past? What is the role of romance in your marriage?

What type of marriage did you want when you began this marriage? Is there romance in your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want now?

Focusing on going forward we can ask: "What works well in your marriage/family? What are your strengths? What needs to change in your marriage?"

In the late 1970s, postmodernism emerged in the world. Postmodernism stands in contrast to the "modern" or scientific view that touts a singularity of truth and a singular view of the world. Social construction is a type of postmodern theory that states that truth, reality, and knowledge are based in the social context of that particular person. Inevitably, postmodernism affects how we think about and conceptualize marriage. Postmodernism and marriage will be the subject of the next column.

I would like to thank Peter Chaloner, M.A., LL.B, B.A. (Honors), and Dip. Theo., for his comments and corrections.

Dr. Heru is with the department of psychiatry at the University of Colorado at Denver, Aurora. She is editor of the recently published book, "Working With Families in Medical Settings: A Multidisciplinary Guide for Psychiatrists and Other Health Professionals" (New York: Routledge, 2013).