Guidance for parents of LGBT youth

Two years ago, a mother of one of my patients asked me for advice. She knew that her daughter identified as lesbian, and she was fully supportive. One day, her daughter wanted to go to a sleepover at a female friend’s house. Her first reaction was to say yes, but then she had second thoughts: If her daughter were straight, and this friend were male, she would not allow her to go because of the potential for sexual activity. When she told her daughter she could not attend the sleepover, her daughter accused her of not letting her go because of her sexual orientation. And now, the dilemma: In her effort to be fair and consistent with her values, the mother is being accused of discrimination. What should she do?

Parents play an irreplaceable role in the life of any teen, especially in the lives of teens that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). But many LGBT youth face serious challenges with their parents. They face the potential of parental rejection of their sexual or gender identity. At the very worst, teens may face homelessness if they come out to homophobic parents.¹ Youth whose parents are accepting, nevertheless, are less likely to have mental health problems or engage in substance use.²

As a clinical provider for children and adolescents, caregivers will ask you for advice on how to address parenting challenges. Because LGBT youth are at risk for many adverse health outcomes, and parental support is paramount in preventing them, this is an opportunity for you to help this vulnerable population.

If parents ask you how to be supportive of their LGBT children, here are some recommendations, which are based on an intervention by colleagues at the University of Utah:³

1. Let their affection show. Receiving news that a child is LGBT can be emotionally intense for parents.⁴ Because of this emotional intensity, parents may react negatively and neglect to show their love for their child, which is what the child is seeking. Parents showing affection is the first step in supporting their LGBT child. Remind parents to tell their child that they love them no matter what.

2. Avoid rejecting behaviors. This is sometimes hard, because some forms of rejection can be quite subtle. Avoid saying anything that may indicate a negative view of LGBT people, even if it is not intended. For example, saying that something is “gay” may seem innocent enough, but it sends the message that being gay is something to be ashamed of.

3. Express their pain away from their child. Evidence shows that minimizing a child’s exposure to parental conflict and stress is associated with better coping with these devastating events.⁵ Parents should avoid telling their children that news of their sexual orientation or gender identity upsets them, as this is another form of rejecting behavior.

4. Do good before they feel good. Previous studies suggest that changes in behavior can occur even though a person may feel otherwise.⁶ Negative feelings about a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity can last months or years.⁷ It’s okay to have these feelings, but showing support such as telling their child how they still love them can ultimately lead to acceptance.

Although it is important for parents to accept their child, it is only half the battle. If you remember Baumrind’s theory on parenting, there are two sides of parenting. The first side involves parents showing their affection, love, and support for their children, which I described earlier. The other side involves managing a child’s behaviors, whether parents create an environment that makes it difficult to engage in behaviors they disapprove of or teach their children how to make the right decision.⁸ Many LGBT youth engage in risky behaviors because it’s a way of coping in a homophobic environment. The parents’ job is to teach their children healthier coping strategies.

Research on this aspect of parenting in LGBT youth is still at its infancy, and some of it is not reassuring. One important behavior, parental monitoring, which is “a set of correlated parenting behaviors involving attention to and tracking of the child’s whereabouts, activities, and adaptations,”⁹ can prevent conduct disorders, substance use, and mental health problems in the typical teenager.¹⁰ Unfortunately, we don’t find the same results for sexual minorities. One study suggests that parental monitoring may not prevent high-risk sexual behavior for young gay males, even if the parent is aware of the young man’s sexual orientation.¹¹

This doesn’t mean that parental monitoring isn’t helpful. This just means that parenting LGBT youth is different than parenting heterosexual youth. It’s not enough for parents to just accept their child’s sexual orientation. They also must help them make the right decisions taking into consideration the effect of stigma and discrimination on sexual minorities. There are a couple of things you can suggest to your parents to help them raise their LGBT children:

1. Be proactive. Join organizations that support parents of LGBT youth such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Also, parents must be aware of their children’s behavior. If they are acting depressed, seek help. Having depression or anxiety increases the chances of engaging in risky behaviors, so the earlier parents address this, the better.

2. Make their child know what their views are on high risk-behaviors, such as substance use or having unprotected sex. They need to communicate their expectations clearly. If parents believe that drinking alcohol before the legal age is wrong, they should clearly let their children know that.

3. Make it easier for their child to tell parents what’s going on in their lives. Parents have to gain their children’s trust, be accessible (don’t answer texts while talking to them!), and be an active listener. LGBT youth may not ask parents for advice because they feel that because their parents are straight or cisgender, their life experiences do not apply. Being a member of an organization like PLFAG can be helpful, because parents can ask other parents who have experience raising LGBT youth for advice that works.

4. If parents’ children do something wrong, they should talk to them about how their actions were risky. Children will listen to parents if they view their parenting as legitimate and fair, which can only happen if there is a strong parent-child relationship. Being supportive of a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity is key here. And for the next time, it’s always good to role-play a scenario (for example, what to do if someone tries to make them drink at a party).

Parents of LGBT youth face many challenges. You can help these parents by encouraging them to accept and support their child’s sexual orientation or gender identity and provide parenting strategies relevant for LGBT youth. Most important of all, encourage them to seek support through organizations like PFLAG. With this support, parents can encourage healthy development in LGBT youth.

Resources for parents of LGBT youth

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has information on the health of LGBT Youth and advice on parental monitoring in general.

• The Family Acceptance Project is a project researching ways to improve parent-child relationships in LGBT Youth.

• PFLAG is an organization that provides support for families of LGBT youth.

• Lead with Love is a film about how various types of families react to their children coming out to them.

References

1. J Sex Res. 2004 Nov;41(4):329-42.

2. Aust N Z J Psychiatry. 2010 Sep;44(9):774-83.

3. Huebner D. “Leading with Love: Interventions to Support Families of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Adolescents,” The Register Report, Vol. 39. National Register of Health Service Psychologists, Spring 2013.

4. J GLBT Fam Stud. 2014 Jan;10(1-2):36-57.

5. Prof Psychol Res Pr. 2008 Apr;39(2):113-21.

6. “Behaviorism: Classic Studies” (Casper, Wyo: Endeavor Books/Mountain States Litho, 2009).

7. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling. 2008;2(2):126-58.

8. Genet Psychol Monogr. 1967;75(1):43-88.

9. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. 1998 Mar;1(1):61-75.

10. “Parental Monitoring of Adolescents: Current Perspectives for Researchers and Practitioners” (New York: Columbia University Press, 2010).

11. AIDS Behav. 2014 Aug;18(8):1604-14.

Dr. Montano is an adolescent medicine fellow at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC and a postdoctoral fellow in the department of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh. Email him at [email protected].

Two years ago, a mother of one of my patients asked me for advice. She knew that her daughter identified as lesbian, and she was fully supportive. One day, her daughter wanted to go to a sleepover at a female friend’s house. Her first reaction was to say yes, but then she had second thoughts: If her daughter were straight, and this friend were male, she would not allow her to go because of the potential for sexual activity. When she told her daughter she could not attend the sleepover, her daughter accused her of not letting her go because of her sexual orientation. And now, the dilemma: In her effort to be fair and consistent with her values, the mother is being accused of discrimination. What should she do?

Parents play an irreplaceable role in the life of any teen, especially in the lives of teens that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). But many LGBT youth face serious challenges with their parents. They face the potential of parental rejection of their sexual or gender identity. At the very worst, teens may face homelessness if they come out to homophobic parents.¹ Youth whose parents are accepting, nevertheless, are less likely to have mental health problems or engage in substance use.²

As a clinical provider for children and adolescents, caregivers will ask you for advice on how to address parenting challenges. Because LGBT youth are at risk for many adverse health outcomes, and parental support is paramount in preventing them, this is an opportunity for you to help this vulnerable population.

If parents ask you how to be supportive of their LGBT children, here are some recommendations, which are based on an intervention by colleagues at the University of Utah:³

1. Let their affection show. Receiving news that a child is LGBT can be emotionally intense for parents.⁴ Because of this emotional intensity, parents may react negatively and neglect to show their love for their child, which is what the child is seeking. Parents showing affection is the first step in supporting their LGBT child. Remind parents to tell their child that they love them no matter what.

2. Avoid rejecting behaviors. This is sometimes hard, because some forms of rejection can be quite subtle. Avoid saying anything that may indicate a negative view of LGBT people, even if it is not intended. For example, saying that something is “gay” may seem innocent enough, but it sends the message that being gay is something to be ashamed of.

3. Express their pain away from their child. Evidence shows that minimizing a child’s exposure to parental conflict and stress is associated with better coping with these devastating events.⁵ Parents should avoid telling their children that news of their sexual orientation or gender identity upsets them, as this is another form of rejecting behavior.

4. Do good before they feel good. Previous studies suggest that changes in behavior can occur even though a person may feel otherwise.⁶ Negative feelings about a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity can last months or years.⁷ It’s okay to have these feelings, but showing support such as telling their child how they still love them can ultimately lead to acceptance.

Although it is important for parents to accept their child, it is only half the battle. If you remember Baumrind’s theory on parenting, there are two sides of parenting. The first side involves parents showing their affection, love, and support for their children, which I described earlier. The other side involves managing a child’s behaviors, whether parents create an environment that makes it difficult to engage in behaviors they disapprove of or teach their children how to make the right decision.⁸ Many LGBT youth engage in risky behaviors because it’s a way of coping in a homophobic environment. The parents’ job is to teach their children healthier coping strategies.

Research on this aspect of parenting in LGBT youth is still at its infancy, and some of it is not reassuring. One important behavior, parental monitoring, which is “a set of correlated parenting behaviors involving attention to and tracking of the child’s whereabouts, activities, and adaptations,”⁹ can prevent conduct disorders, substance use, and mental health problems in the typical teenager.¹⁰ Unfortunately, we don’t find the same results for sexual minorities. One study suggests that parental monitoring may not prevent high-risk sexual behavior for young gay males, even if the parent is aware of the young man’s sexual orientation.¹¹

This doesn’t mean that parental monitoring isn’t helpful. This just means that parenting LGBT youth is different than parenting heterosexual youth. It’s not enough for parents to just accept their child’s sexual orientation. They also must help them make the right decisions taking into consideration the effect of stigma and discrimination on sexual minorities. There are a couple of things you can suggest to your parents to help them raise their LGBT children:

1. Be proactive. Join organizations that support parents of LGBT youth such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Also, parents must be aware of their children’s behavior. If they are acting depressed, seek help. Having depression or anxiety increases the chances of engaging in risky behaviors, so the earlier parents address this, the better.

2. Make their child know what their views are on high risk-behaviors, such as substance use or having unprotected sex. They need to communicate their expectations clearly. If parents believe that drinking alcohol before the legal age is wrong, they should clearly let their children know that.

3. Make it easier for their child to tell parents what’s going on in their lives. Parents have to gain their children’s trust, be accessible (don’t answer texts while talking to them!), and be an active listener. LGBT youth may not ask parents for advice because they feel that because their parents are straight or cisgender, their life experiences do not apply. Being a member of an organization like PLFAG can be helpful, because parents can ask other parents who have experience raising LGBT youth for advice that works.

4. If parents’ children do something wrong, they should talk to them about how their actions were risky. Children will listen to parents if they view their parenting as legitimate and fair, which can only happen if there is a strong parent-child relationship. Being supportive of a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity is key here. And for the next time, it’s always good to role-play a scenario (for example, what to do if someone tries to make them drink at a party).

Parents of LGBT youth face many challenges. You can help these parents by encouraging them to accept and support their child’s sexual orientation or gender identity and provide parenting strategies relevant for LGBT youth. Most important of all, encourage them to seek support through organizations like PFLAG. With this support, parents can encourage healthy development in LGBT youth.

Resources for parents of LGBT youth

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has information on the health of LGBT Youth and advice on parental monitoring in general.

• The Family Acceptance Project is a project researching ways to improve parent-child relationships in LGBT Youth.

• PFLAG is an organization that provides support for families of LGBT youth.

• Lead with Love is a film about how various types of families react to their children coming out to them.

References

1. J Sex Res. 2004 Nov;41(4):329-42.

2. Aust N Z J Psychiatry. 2010 Sep;44(9):774-83.

3. Huebner D. “Leading with Love: Interventions to Support Families of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Adolescents,” The Register Report, Vol. 39. National Register of Health Service Psychologists, Spring 2013.

4. J GLBT Fam Stud. 2014 Jan;10(1-2):36-57.

5. Prof Psychol Res Pr. 2008 Apr;39(2):113-21.

6. “Behaviorism: Classic Studies” (Casper, Wyo: Endeavor Books/Mountain States Litho, 2009).

7. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling. 2008;2(2):126-58.

8. Genet Psychol Monogr. 1967;75(1):43-88.

9. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. 1998 Mar;1(1):61-75.

10. “Parental Monitoring of Adolescents: Current Perspectives for Researchers and Practitioners” (New York: Columbia University Press, 2010).

11. AIDS Behav. 2014 Aug;18(8):1604-14.

Dr. Montano is an adolescent medicine fellow at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC and a postdoctoral fellow in the department of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh. Email him at [email protected].

Two years ago, a mother of one of my patients asked me for advice. She knew that her daughter identified as lesbian, and she was fully supportive. One day, her daughter wanted to go to a sleepover at a female friend’s house. Her first reaction was to say yes, but then she had second thoughts: If her daughter were straight, and this friend were male, she would not allow her to go because of the potential for sexual activity. When she told her daughter she could not attend the sleepover, her daughter accused her of not letting her go because of her sexual orientation. And now, the dilemma: In her effort to be fair and consistent with her values, the mother is being accused of discrimination. What should she do?

Parents play an irreplaceable role in the life of any teen, especially in the lives of teens that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender (LGBT). But many LGBT youth face serious challenges with their parents. They face the potential of parental rejection of their sexual or gender identity. At the very worst, teens may face homelessness if they come out to homophobic parents.¹ Youth whose parents are accepting, nevertheless, are less likely to have mental health problems or engage in substance use.²

As a clinical provider for children and adolescents, caregivers will ask you for advice on how to address parenting challenges. Because LGBT youth are at risk for many adverse health outcomes, and parental support is paramount in preventing them, this is an opportunity for you to help this vulnerable population.

If parents ask you how to be supportive of their LGBT children, here are some recommendations, which are based on an intervention by colleagues at the University of Utah:³

1. Let their affection show. Receiving news that a child is LGBT can be emotionally intense for parents.⁴ Because of this emotional intensity, parents may react negatively and neglect to show their love for their child, which is what the child is seeking. Parents showing affection is the first step in supporting their LGBT child. Remind parents to tell their child that they love them no matter what.

2. Avoid rejecting behaviors. This is sometimes hard, because some forms of rejection can be quite subtle. Avoid saying anything that may indicate a negative view of LGBT people, even if it is not intended. For example, saying that something is “gay” may seem innocent enough, but it sends the message that being gay is something to be ashamed of.

3. Express their pain away from their child. Evidence shows that minimizing a child’s exposure to parental conflict and stress is associated with better coping with these devastating events.⁵ Parents should avoid telling their children that news of their sexual orientation or gender identity upsets them, as this is another form of rejecting behavior.

4. Do good before they feel good. Previous studies suggest that changes in behavior can occur even though a person may feel otherwise.⁶ Negative feelings about a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity can last months or years.⁷ It’s okay to have these feelings, but showing support such as telling their child how they still love them can ultimately lead to acceptance.

Although it is important for parents to accept their child, it is only half the battle. If you remember Baumrind’s theory on parenting, there are two sides of parenting. The first side involves parents showing their affection, love, and support for their children, which I described earlier. The other side involves managing a child’s behaviors, whether parents create an environment that makes it difficult to engage in behaviors they disapprove of or teach their children how to make the right decision.⁸ Many LGBT youth engage in risky behaviors because it’s a way of coping in a homophobic environment. The parents’ job is to teach their children healthier coping strategies.

Research on this aspect of parenting in LGBT youth is still at its infancy, and some of it is not reassuring. One important behavior, parental monitoring, which is “a set of correlated parenting behaviors involving attention to and tracking of the child’s whereabouts, activities, and adaptations,”⁹ can prevent conduct disorders, substance use, and mental health problems in the typical teenager.¹⁰ Unfortunately, we don’t find the same results for sexual minorities. One study suggests that parental monitoring may not prevent high-risk sexual behavior for young gay males, even if the parent is aware of the young man’s sexual orientation.¹¹

This doesn’t mean that parental monitoring isn’t helpful. This just means that parenting LGBT youth is different than parenting heterosexual youth. It’s not enough for parents to just accept their child’s sexual orientation. They also must help them make the right decisions taking into consideration the effect of stigma and discrimination on sexual minorities. There are a couple of things you can suggest to your parents to help them raise their LGBT children:

1. Be proactive. Join organizations that support parents of LGBT youth such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Also, parents must be aware of their children’s behavior. If they are acting depressed, seek help. Having depression or anxiety increases the chances of engaging in risky behaviors, so the earlier parents address this, the better.

2. Make their child know what their views are on high risk-behaviors, such as substance use or having unprotected sex. They need to communicate their expectations clearly. If parents believe that drinking alcohol before the legal age is wrong, they should clearly let their children know that.

3. Make it easier for their child to tell parents what’s going on in their lives. Parents have to gain their children’s trust, be accessible (don’t answer texts while talking to them!), and be an active listener. LGBT youth may not ask parents for advice because they feel that because their parents are straight or cisgender, their life experiences do not apply. Being a member of an organization like PLFAG can be helpful, because parents can ask other parents who have experience raising LGBT youth for advice that works.

4. If parents’ children do something wrong, they should talk to them about how their actions were risky. Children will listen to parents if they view their parenting as legitimate and fair, which can only happen if there is a strong parent-child relationship. Being supportive of a child’s sexual orientation or gender identity is key here. And for the next time, it’s always good to role-play a scenario (for example, what to do if someone tries to make them drink at a party).

Parents of LGBT youth face many challenges. You can help these parents by encouraging them to accept and support their child’s sexual orientation or gender identity and provide parenting strategies relevant for LGBT youth. Most important of all, encourage them to seek support through organizations like PFLAG. With this support, parents can encourage healthy development in LGBT youth.

Resources for parents of LGBT youth

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has information on the health of LGBT Youth and advice on parental monitoring in general.

• The Family Acceptance Project is a project researching ways to improve parent-child relationships in LGBT Youth.

• PFLAG is an organization that provides support for families of LGBT youth.

• Lead with Love is a film about how various types of families react to their children coming out to them.

References

1. J Sex Res. 2004 Nov;41(4):329-42.

2. Aust N Z J Psychiatry. 2010 Sep;44(9):774-83.

3. Huebner D. “Leading with Love: Interventions to Support Families of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Adolescents,” The Register Report, Vol. 39. National Register of Health Service Psychologists, Spring 2013.

4. J GLBT Fam Stud. 2014 Jan;10(1-2):36-57.

5. Prof Psychol Res Pr. 2008 Apr;39(2):113-21.

6. “Behaviorism: Classic Studies” (Casper, Wyo: Endeavor Books/Mountain States Litho, 2009).

7. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling. 2008;2(2):126-58.

8. Genet Psychol Monogr. 1967;75(1):43-88.

9. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev. 1998 Mar;1(1):61-75.

10. “Parental Monitoring of Adolescents: Current Perspectives for Researchers and Practitioners” (New York: Columbia University Press, 2010).

11. AIDS Behav. 2014 Aug;18(8):1604-14.

Dr. Montano is an adolescent medicine fellow at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC and a postdoctoral fellow in the department of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh. Email him at [email protected].