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Finding a home in psychiatry: A medical student’s story
Perched on a meditation cushion with the day’s first light creeping up the Himalayan foothills around me, I felt more at ease within myself than I could ever recall over my previous 19 years.
My immersion in daily conversations within the Tibetan monastic community on achieving a more harmonious relationship to our thoughts and feelings awoke a consideration of myself and my inner life in a way that I’d never truly contemplated before. These reflections gave me a vocabulary and a toolkit for navigating my own internal landscape that I have used ever since.
However, upon returning home, I was forced to acknowledge how fortunate I had been, and that these tools and the underlying spirit of inquiry are not commonplace in our society. Despite great strides in shifting views toward mental illness over the past few decades, our public discourse rarely captures the nuances of the mental health crisis that our culture has faced well before COVID-19 catalyzed even greater distress. We all pay the price of this cultural deficit to varying degrees, and I became captivated by the notion that things could be different.
I followed that thread of inquiry through the practices of Buddhist studies, massage therapy, yoga instruction, and refugee aid before coming to psychiatry as the unlikely yet ideal crucible for integrating my experiences in these spaces. Since arriving at medical school, however, my vision of myself as a psychiatrist has changed dramatically as my aspirations have collided with the realities of clinical experience and been tempered by the wisdom of mentors, colleagues, and patients, opening up a space for a deeper appreciation of what psychiatry might offer.
Clinical experience changes perspective
Short on clinical experience, I had previously imagined my future practice primarily as one of mindful listening and finding presence with each patient as a kind ear, supplemented by the ability to prescribe medication. Since then, working with patients has offered me insight into the ways in which my personality, perception, and potential access to a range of affective stances can serve as tools for skillfully developing the therapeutic encounter.
Moreover, “challenging” patients have taught me that my role is not always to offer unbounded empathetic support, but to potentially initiate compassionately tactful confrontation, shifting my sense of my role in the therapeutic relationship.
This is a lofty goal, which might entail modeling the successful navigation of potential ruptures and the subsequent repair of relationships so that they can live more adaptably in the world.
However, while I can support their envisioning of a realistic future for themselves and facilitate their acquisition of the tools needed to get there, my role is significant yet limited. This has been a hard truth to reckon with, but one that’s opened up pathways to greater empathy and a deeper understanding of each patient’s struggles. As a result, my view of pathology as a state has shifted to one of a dynamic process that emerges through the interaction of their genes, environment, life history, pharmacological supplements, psychodynamic tendencies, diet, and more.
Yet, while holding this reality of the complexities of mental illness, clinical decision-making often hinges on making binary choices regarding diagnoses, medications, and criteria for legal determinations. Developing this capacity to simultaneously practice different ways of knowing and sit with uncertainty excites me tremendously, not only equipping me to balance clinical practice with the demands of the modern health care system, but also nourishing the roots of a rich and ethical life.
Psychiatry calls to me for this expectation of sustaining an appropriate tension between uncertainty and decisiveness. It also inspires a deeper dive into the history of the field in order to learn the roots of its theories and perspectives so I can better understand how those inform contemporary practice in ways that are both helpful and harmful.
From individual to community
In tandem with this outer work of learning to appropriately position myself within individual patient relationships, the broader health care system, and the legacy of the field, I’ve also sought to develop a better understanding of how my own history, beliefs, and motivations shape my collaborative efforts.
Through my mindfulness practice and participation in exploratory psychoanalysis, I’ve caught glimpses of my own countertransference investments and opened up space for seeing how patients might experience me as a clinician. This has allowed for tuning in to my own response to them, identifying where in the typology of personality structures our reciprocal experiences might exist, and learning to manage those feelings to ultimately foster empathy through the interaction.
This has shifted my sense of the work from solely mindfully listening and thoughtfully responding to honing deliberate ways of both listening and responding in a way that is directly informed by the person sitting in front of me so I can best support them in creating change.
Given the responsibility inherent to this work, I have treated my medical education as an opportunity to build a foundation for stepping into this role. This has involved going beyond exploring these dynamics within individual clinician-patient relationships and carried over into my experiences with community-based research and program development. It has asked me to recognize the perceptual frames and prioritization of values that I bring to any given project.
This process has sharpened my aim of discovering each community’s understanding of their mental health needs so that I’m not implicitly imposing my own notions of psychological wholeness and “wellness” on others.
Working with San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking populations has helped me to better understand each community’s own conceptualization of their strengths and needs, teaching me how to engage in reciprocal partnerships that honor each of our areas of expertise. Investing myself in medical school curricular reform represents the flip side of this coin, serving as an attempt to better understand my own medical community, how we think about health, and how we can best care for ourselves.
These experiences have offered opportunities to refine my skills in appreciative inquiry, coalition building, navigating institutional dynamics, and initiating and sustaining change within complex systems to carry the lessons of psychiatry beyond explicitly clinical spaces.
Toward integrative care
Ultimately, I view my community-based research and academic program development as outgrowths of my commitment to clinical psychiatry and my desire to learn how to provide people with the tools for changing their relationship to themselves, others, and their communities.
Equipped with formal medical training as the bedrock of this skill set, I have actively sought out opportunities to draw from practices that are outside the scope of the formal curriculum. These range from psychoanalysis and narrative medicine to cultural psychiatry and psychological anthropology, as well as my background in bodywork and mindfulness education. I’m eager to dive more fully into psychiatric practice as I work to integrate these disparate knowledge bases with the biomedical and psychodynamic views of the mind to develop a strengths-based practice that tends to patients’ bodies, minds, and spirits by bringing forth their own knowledge of themselves and their lives as they imagine what could be.
These realizations bring me back to that Himalayan sunrise more than a decade ago. They affirm that my heart lies with traversing disciplines to provide integrative psychiatric care in the community and developing infrastructure that supports these efforts. I’m filled with enthusiasm by the breadth of what psychiatry training offers as I continue expanding my capacity to support patients in this lifelong healing journey.
Alec Terrana is a rising fourth-year medical student at the University of California, San Diego, who intends to apply into psychiatry residency programs. He’s invested in exploring how we can more effectively conceptualize and measure mental health outcomes within San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking communities, as well as advancing mindfulness and compassion training in undergraduate medical education. His professional interests also include implementation science, cultural psychiatry, psychodynamics, and strengthening public mental health infrastructure.
Perched on a meditation cushion with the day’s first light creeping up the Himalayan foothills around me, I felt more at ease within myself than I could ever recall over my previous 19 years.
My immersion in daily conversations within the Tibetan monastic community on achieving a more harmonious relationship to our thoughts and feelings awoke a consideration of myself and my inner life in a way that I’d never truly contemplated before. These reflections gave me a vocabulary and a toolkit for navigating my own internal landscape that I have used ever since.
However, upon returning home, I was forced to acknowledge how fortunate I had been, and that these tools and the underlying spirit of inquiry are not commonplace in our society. Despite great strides in shifting views toward mental illness over the past few decades, our public discourse rarely captures the nuances of the mental health crisis that our culture has faced well before COVID-19 catalyzed even greater distress. We all pay the price of this cultural deficit to varying degrees, and I became captivated by the notion that things could be different.
I followed that thread of inquiry through the practices of Buddhist studies, massage therapy, yoga instruction, and refugee aid before coming to psychiatry as the unlikely yet ideal crucible for integrating my experiences in these spaces. Since arriving at medical school, however, my vision of myself as a psychiatrist has changed dramatically as my aspirations have collided with the realities of clinical experience and been tempered by the wisdom of mentors, colleagues, and patients, opening up a space for a deeper appreciation of what psychiatry might offer.
Clinical experience changes perspective
Short on clinical experience, I had previously imagined my future practice primarily as one of mindful listening and finding presence with each patient as a kind ear, supplemented by the ability to prescribe medication. Since then, working with patients has offered me insight into the ways in which my personality, perception, and potential access to a range of affective stances can serve as tools for skillfully developing the therapeutic encounter.
Moreover, “challenging” patients have taught me that my role is not always to offer unbounded empathetic support, but to potentially initiate compassionately tactful confrontation, shifting my sense of my role in the therapeutic relationship.
This is a lofty goal, which might entail modeling the successful navigation of potential ruptures and the subsequent repair of relationships so that they can live more adaptably in the world.
However, while I can support their envisioning of a realistic future for themselves and facilitate their acquisition of the tools needed to get there, my role is significant yet limited. This has been a hard truth to reckon with, but one that’s opened up pathways to greater empathy and a deeper understanding of each patient’s struggles. As a result, my view of pathology as a state has shifted to one of a dynamic process that emerges through the interaction of their genes, environment, life history, pharmacological supplements, psychodynamic tendencies, diet, and more.
Yet, while holding this reality of the complexities of mental illness, clinical decision-making often hinges on making binary choices regarding diagnoses, medications, and criteria for legal determinations. Developing this capacity to simultaneously practice different ways of knowing and sit with uncertainty excites me tremendously, not only equipping me to balance clinical practice with the demands of the modern health care system, but also nourishing the roots of a rich and ethical life.
Psychiatry calls to me for this expectation of sustaining an appropriate tension between uncertainty and decisiveness. It also inspires a deeper dive into the history of the field in order to learn the roots of its theories and perspectives so I can better understand how those inform contemporary practice in ways that are both helpful and harmful.
From individual to community
In tandem with this outer work of learning to appropriately position myself within individual patient relationships, the broader health care system, and the legacy of the field, I’ve also sought to develop a better understanding of how my own history, beliefs, and motivations shape my collaborative efforts.
Through my mindfulness practice and participation in exploratory psychoanalysis, I’ve caught glimpses of my own countertransference investments and opened up space for seeing how patients might experience me as a clinician. This has allowed for tuning in to my own response to them, identifying where in the typology of personality structures our reciprocal experiences might exist, and learning to manage those feelings to ultimately foster empathy through the interaction.
This has shifted my sense of the work from solely mindfully listening and thoughtfully responding to honing deliberate ways of both listening and responding in a way that is directly informed by the person sitting in front of me so I can best support them in creating change.
Given the responsibility inherent to this work, I have treated my medical education as an opportunity to build a foundation for stepping into this role. This has involved going beyond exploring these dynamics within individual clinician-patient relationships and carried over into my experiences with community-based research and program development. It has asked me to recognize the perceptual frames and prioritization of values that I bring to any given project.
This process has sharpened my aim of discovering each community’s understanding of their mental health needs so that I’m not implicitly imposing my own notions of psychological wholeness and “wellness” on others.
Working with San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking populations has helped me to better understand each community’s own conceptualization of their strengths and needs, teaching me how to engage in reciprocal partnerships that honor each of our areas of expertise. Investing myself in medical school curricular reform represents the flip side of this coin, serving as an attempt to better understand my own medical community, how we think about health, and how we can best care for ourselves.
These experiences have offered opportunities to refine my skills in appreciative inquiry, coalition building, navigating institutional dynamics, and initiating and sustaining change within complex systems to carry the lessons of psychiatry beyond explicitly clinical spaces.
Toward integrative care
Ultimately, I view my community-based research and academic program development as outgrowths of my commitment to clinical psychiatry and my desire to learn how to provide people with the tools for changing their relationship to themselves, others, and their communities.
Equipped with formal medical training as the bedrock of this skill set, I have actively sought out opportunities to draw from practices that are outside the scope of the formal curriculum. These range from psychoanalysis and narrative medicine to cultural psychiatry and psychological anthropology, as well as my background in bodywork and mindfulness education. I’m eager to dive more fully into psychiatric practice as I work to integrate these disparate knowledge bases with the biomedical and psychodynamic views of the mind to develop a strengths-based practice that tends to patients’ bodies, minds, and spirits by bringing forth their own knowledge of themselves and their lives as they imagine what could be.
These realizations bring me back to that Himalayan sunrise more than a decade ago. They affirm that my heart lies with traversing disciplines to provide integrative psychiatric care in the community and developing infrastructure that supports these efforts. I’m filled with enthusiasm by the breadth of what psychiatry training offers as I continue expanding my capacity to support patients in this lifelong healing journey.
Alec Terrana is a rising fourth-year medical student at the University of California, San Diego, who intends to apply into psychiatry residency programs. He’s invested in exploring how we can more effectively conceptualize and measure mental health outcomes within San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking communities, as well as advancing mindfulness and compassion training in undergraduate medical education. His professional interests also include implementation science, cultural psychiatry, psychodynamics, and strengthening public mental health infrastructure.
Perched on a meditation cushion with the day’s first light creeping up the Himalayan foothills around me, I felt more at ease within myself than I could ever recall over my previous 19 years.
My immersion in daily conversations within the Tibetan monastic community on achieving a more harmonious relationship to our thoughts and feelings awoke a consideration of myself and my inner life in a way that I’d never truly contemplated before. These reflections gave me a vocabulary and a toolkit for navigating my own internal landscape that I have used ever since.
However, upon returning home, I was forced to acknowledge how fortunate I had been, and that these tools and the underlying spirit of inquiry are not commonplace in our society. Despite great strides in shifting views toward mental illness over the past few decades, our public discourse rarely captures the nuances of the mental health crisis that our culture has faced well before COVID-19 catalyzed even greater distress. We all pay the price of this cultural deficit to varying degrees, and I became captivated by the notion that things could be different.
I followed that thread of inquiry through the practices of Buddhist studies, massage therapy, yoga instruction, and refugee aid before coming to psychiatry as the unlikely yet ideal crucible for integrating my experiences in these spaces. Since arriving at medical school, however, my vision of myself as a psychiatrist has changed dramatically as my aspirations have collided with the realities of clinical experience and been tempered by the wisdom of mentors, colleagues, and patients, opening up a space for a deeper appreciation of what psychiatry might offer.
Clinical experience changes perspective
Short on clinical experience, I had previously imagined my future practice primarily as one of mindful listening and finding presence with each patient as a kind ear, supplemented by the ability to prescribe medication. Since then, working with patients has offered me insight into the ways in which my personality, perception, and potential access to a range of affective stances can serve as tools for skillfully developing the therapeutic encounter.
Moreover, “challenging” patients have taught me that my role is not always to offer unbounded empathetic support, but to potentially initiate compassionately tactful confrontation, shifting my sense of my role in the therapeutic relationship.
This is a lofty goal, which might entail modeling the successful navigation of potential ruptures and the subsequent repair of relationships so that they can live more adaptably in the world.
However, while I can support their envisioning of a realistic future for themselves and facilitate their acquisition of the tools needed to get there, my role is significant yet limited. This has been a hard truth to reckon with, but one that’s opened up pathways to greater empathy and a deeper understanding of each patient’s struggles. As a result, my view of pathology as a state has shifted to one of a dynamic process that emerges through the interaction of their genes, environment, life history, pharmacological supplements, psychodynamic tendencies, diet, and more.
Yet, while holding this reality of the complexities of mental illness, clinical decision-making often hinges on making binary choices regarding diagnoses, medications, and criteria for legal determinations. Developing this capacity to simultaneously practice different ways of knowing and sit with uncertainty excites me tremendously, not only equipping me to balance clinical practice with the demands of the modern health care system, but also nourishing the roots of a rich and ethical life.
Psychiatry calls to me for this expectation of sustaining an appropriate tension between uncertainty and decisiveness. It also inspires a deeper dive into the history of the field in order to learn the roots of its theories and perspectives so I can better understand how those inform contemporary practice in ways that are both helpful and harmful.
From individual to community
In tandem with this outer work of learning to appropriately position myself within individual patient relationships, the broader health care system, and the legacy of the field, I’ve also sought to develop a better understanding of how my own history, beliefs, and motivations shape my collaborative efforts.
Through my mindfulness practice and participation in exploratory psychoanalysis, I’ve caught glimpses of my own countertransference investments and opened up space for seeing how patients might experience me as a clinician. This has allowed for tuning in to my own response to them, identifying where in the typology of personality structures our reciprocal experiences might exist, and learning to manage those feelings to ultimately foster empathy through the interaction.
This has shifted my sense of the work from solely mindfully listening and thoughtfully responding to honing deliberate ways of both listening and responding in a way that is directly informed by the person sitting in front of me so I can best support them in creating change.
Given the responsibility inherent to this work, I have treated my medical education as an opportunity to build a foundation for stepping into this role. This has involved going beyond exploring these dynamics within individual clinician-patient relationships and carried over into my experiences with community-based research and program development. It has asked me to recognize the perceptual frames and prioritization of values that I bring to any given project.
This process has sharpened my aim of discovering each community’s understanding of their mental health needs so that I’m not implicitly imposing my own notions of psychological wholeness and “wellness” on others.
Working with San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking populations has helped me to better understand each community’s own conceptualization of their strengths and needs, teaching me how to engage in reciprocal partnerships that honor each of our areas of expertise. Investing myself in medical school curricular reform represents the flip side of this coin, serving as an attempt to better understand my own medical community, how we think about health, and how we can best care for ourselves.
These experiences have offered opportunities to refine my skills in appreciative inquiry, coalition building, navigating institutional dynamics, and initiating and sustaining change within complex systems to carry the lessons of psychiatry beyond explicitly clinical spaces.
Toward integrative care
Ultimately, I view my community-based research and academic program development as outgrowths of my commitment to clinical psychiatry and my desire to learn how to provide people with the tools for changing their relationship to themselves, others, and their communities.
Equipped with formal medical training as the bedrock of this skill set, I have actively sought out opportunities to draw from practices that are outside the scope of the formal curriculum. These range from psychoanalysis and narrative medicine to cultural psychiatry and psychological anthropology, as well as my background in bodywork and mindfulness education. I’m eager to dive more fully into psychiatric practice as I work to integrate these disparate knowledge bases with the biomedical and psychodynamic views of the mind to develop a strengths-based practice that tends to patients’ bodies, minds, and spirits by bringing forth their own knowledge of themselves and their lives as they imagine what could be.
These realizations bring me back to that Himalayan sunrise more than a decade ago. They affirm that my heart lies with traversing disciplines to provide integrative psychiatric care in the community and developing infrastructure that supports these efforts. I’m filled with enthusiasm by the breadth of what psychiatry training offers as I continue expanding my capacity to support patients in this lifelong healing journey.
Alec Terrana is a rising fourth-year medical student at the University of California, San Diego, who intends to apply into psychiatry residency programs. He’s invested in exploring how we can more effectively conceptualize and measure mental health outcomes within San Diego’s Somali and Spanish-speaking communities, as well as advancing mindfulness and compassion training in undergraduate medical education. His professional interests also include implementation science, cultural psychiatry, psychodynamics, and strengthening public mental health infrastructure.