Overscheduled children

Parents want to raise their children to be happy and successful in childhood and through adulthood. For many parents, this means giving their children as many opportunities to learn, practice, and master a wide variety of skills outside of school as they possibly can. These activities often include the study of a musical instrument, a sport, an activity in the arts, religious study, and even extra academic work such as math, computer science, or a second language. Each one of these activities can mean many classes or practices outside of the home each week and additional practice time at home.

When you combine these activities with school and homework, children can be busier than most professional adults. And their parents can feel like managing their child’s schedule is another full-time job. By asking parents how many afternoons and evenings are scheduled (or how many hours of down time their children have) each week, you begin a conversation that may help parents determine the right balance for each child and the family.

Without a doubt, there can be tremendous value in making time for extracurricular activities for children. School alone usually does not offer much exposure to music education and the arts, and a daily gym class is sadly a thing of the past for most children. There is a growing body of evidence that daily vigorous exercise in childhood not only promotes good physical health and restorative sleep, and fights obesity, but that it also promotes strong cognitive development and can prevent anxiety and mood symptoms. Sustained experience with a team sport cultivates discipline, frustration tolerance, and resilience alongside friendships and fun. Likewise, there is a growing body of evidence that learning to play a musical instrument contributes in broader ways to healthy cognitive development, cultivates discipline and frustration tolerance, and improves executive function and the attention and self-regulation skills that all school-age children need to develop. Exposure to the arts, to trade skills, or to rare languages may help children discover a unique interest or passion that will draw them through their adolescence. Discovering an area of passionate interest is one of the essential goals of childhood; it can help teens feel good about themselves, and is especially meaningful in children who may not be gaining a lot of self-esteem in other areas, such as schoolwork.

But the well-meant intentions of parents (or interests of children) sometimes can lead to so many extracurricular activities that children barely have time for homework, play, or relaxation. From kindergarten through middle school, children are at the perfect age to be exploring multiple activities as they learn about their own abilities, strengths, and interests. But it is a developmental period in which there also should be plenty of open, free creative play, often with a social component. This is where children not only learn about their own talents, but also try things they might fail at, developing their curiosity, social skills, self-awareness, and resilience. While it can be wonderful to have a weekly music lesson and a team sport at this age, it is critical that there also be protected free play or down time. During this developmental period, children may switch sports, instruments, or hobbies, and it is healthy that they have the time and space to do so. Parents will say that every hour of activity is "fun." But fun with a purpose is different from "senseless fun," which is just fun without an achievement goal. Adults may have "fun" working out, but also have senseless fun playing golf, having a drink with friends, or going to a movie.

Adolescents are more likely to be "pruning" their interests as they figure out where their passions lie. Teenagers may do fewer activities overall, but spend more time on each of them. Of course, many teens will be experiencing great pressure (internal, external or both) to build the strongest possible college applications with the "right" mix of extracurricular activities, which may not line up with their actual interests. They will face the pressure also to be performing at a very high level academically. Some may have jobs, as they seek to build independence. Then add to this the fact that many will be driving themselves to each activity and wanting to spend time with friends and romantic interests, and you have a recipe for adolescents whose every moment is accounted for, to the point that they may skimp on sleep and mealtimes and feel overwhelmed. In choosing how to manage their schedules, adolescents also should be learning about the value of self-care, protecting time to relax, exercise, and sleep adequately (with a good measure of senseless fun texting as they build their identity).

So how do you help your patients and their parents reestablish some balance? You can start by figuring out if they are overscheduled. Ask if their school-age children have as many free afternoons as scheduled ones? Do they have recurring play dates as well as Russian and math classes? Do they have time for senseless fun with friends, siblings, and parents? Ask teenagers how much sleep they are getting? How often is the family able to have dinner together? When is the last time they had time to read a book for pleasure or to explore a new interest? Some children and teenagers may be very busy, but will report feeling like their battery is charged by all of their activities. Although they are busy, their schedule may be a good balance for them. But when children or teens report feeling drained by the end (or middle) of their week, they are likely overscheduled.

If parents resist some easing, you should begin to wonder if the child is the one who chose the activity or it represents a parent’s interests instead? Some parents may have strong feelings about what activities made a difference in their lives, and may not be paying attention to how their child’s temperament is different from their own. Sometimes, parents who are working might feel guilty that they are not as available as they’d like to be. They may sign their child up for many activities, hoping to make up for what they worry they are failing to directly provide their child. Parents may need a gentle reminder that a happy, calm dinner with mom and dad often is more developmentally productive than a rushed drive between two practices and a violin lesson.

Find out if specific activities are born of interest or obligation. Demanding obligatory activities should have important meaning for the child, such as Hebrew lessons prior to a Bar Mitzvah. There should be only one demanding activity that is not fun for a child at a time, though. The balance may come from fun or less-structured activities. Asking a child in front of the parents what activities are (or would be) the most fun or interesting for them can help the family to think through how to prune activities when a child is overscheduled, and remind parents of the value of play.

It also can be helpful to consider a child’s temperament when talking with a family about finding greater balance. If a child is very shy, there can be greater developmental value in activities that promote social skills, even though that child might not naturally seek those activities out. Teens who are struggling to fulfill basic responsibilities may need to have their schedules streamlined, but it is important to preserve an activity that may aid in cultivating their discipline and organization (such as a sports team or a job they value). Highly driven, ambitious adolescents sleeping only 4 hours a night to fulfill their many responsibilities would benefit from making time for relaxation and sleep, and hearing this from a pediatrician may be the critical factor in making it happen.

Finally, ask parents how drained they feel by facilitating their child’s (or children’s) schedule. When parents are so busy with their children’s activities that family time is nonexistent, or one child is receiving a greatly disproportionate share of the parents’ time, it is worth examining. Reminding parents that time spent together around the dinner table and helping with homework or in a shared activity – time that may leave them feeling more charged than drained as parents – is critical for the well-being of the whole family.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].

Parents want to raise their children to be happy and successful in childhood and through adulthood. For many parents, this means giving their children as many opportunities to learn, practice, and master a wide variety of skills outside of school as they possibly can. These activities often include the study of a musical instrument, a sport, an activity in the arts, religious study, and even extra academic work such as math, computer science, or a second language. Each one of these activities can mean many classes or practices outside of the home each week and additional practice time at home.

When you combine these activities with school and homework, children can be busier than most professional adults. And their parents can feel like managing their child’s schedule is another full-time job. By asking parents how many afternoons and evenings are scheduled (or how many hours of down time their children have) each week, you begin a conversation that may help parents determine the right balance for each child and the family.

Without a doubt, there can be tremendous value in making time for extracurricular activities for children. School alone usually does not offer much exposure to music education and the arts, and a daily gym class is sadly a thing of the past for most children. There is a growing body of evidence that daily vigorous exercise in childhood not only promotes good physical health and restorative sleep, and fights obesity, but that it also promotes strong cognitive development and can prevent anxiety and mood symptoms. Sustained experience with a team sport cultivates discipline, frustration tolerance, and resilience alongside friendships and fun. Likewise, there is a growing body of evidence that learning to play a musical instrument contributes in broader ways to healthy cognitive development, cultivates discipline and frustration tolerance, and improves executive function and the attention and self-regulation skills that all school-age children need to develop. Exposure to the arts, to trade skills, or to rare languages may help children discover a unique interest or passion that will draw them through their adolescence. Discovering an area of passionate interest is one of the essential goals of childhood; it can help teens feel good about themselves, and is especially meaningful in children who may not be gaining a lot of self-esteem in other areas, such as schoolwork.

But the well-meant intentions of parents (or interests of children) sometimes can lead to so many extracurricular activities that children barely have time for homework, play, or relaxation. From kindergarten through middle school, children are at the perfect age to be exploring multiple activities as they learn about their own abilities, strengths, and interests. But it is a developmental period in which there also should be plenty of open, free creative play, often with a social component. This is where children not only learn about their own talents, but also try things they might fail at, developing their curiosity, social skills, self-awareness, and resilience. While it can be wonderful to have a weekly music lesson and a team sport at this age, it is critical that there also be protected free play or down time. During this developmental period, children may switch sports, instruments, or hobbies, and it is healthy that they have the time and space to do so. Parents will say that every hour of activity is "fun." But fun with a purpose is different from "senseless fun," which is just fun without an achievement goal. Adults may have "fun" working out, but also have senseless fun playing golf, having a drink with friends, or going to a movie.

Adolescents are more likely to be "pruning" their interests as they figure out where their passions lie. Teenagers may do fewer activities overall, but spend more time on each of them. Of course, many teens will be experiencing great pressure (internal, external or both) to build the strongest possible college applications with the "right" mix of extracurricular activities, which may not line up with their actual interests. They will face the pressure also to be performing at a very high level academically. Some may have jobs, as they seek to build independence. Then add to this the fact that many will be driving themselves to each activity and wanting to spend time with friends and romantic interests, and you have a recipe for adolescents whose every moment is accounted for, to the point that they may skimp on sleep and mealtimes and feel overwhelmed. In choosing how to manage their schedules, adolescents also should be learning about the value of self-care, protecting time to relax, exercise, and sleep adequately (with a good measure of senseless fun texting as they build their identity).

So how do you help your patients and their parents reestablish some balance? You can start by figuring out if they are overscheduled. Ask if their school-age children have as many free afternoons as scheduled ones? Do they have recurring play dates as well as Russian and math classes? Do they have time for senseless fun with friends, siblings, and parents? Ask teenagers how much sleep they are getting? How often is the family able to have dinner together? When is the last time they had time to read a book for pleasure or to explore a new interest? Some children and teenagers may be very busy, but will report feeling like their battery is charged by all of their activities. Although they are busy, their schedule may be a good balance for them. But when children or teens report feeling drained by the end (or middle) of their week, they are likely overscheduled.

If parents resist some easing, you should begin to wonder if the child is the one who chose the activity or it represents a parent’s interests instead? Some parents may have strong feelings about what activities made a difference in their lives, and may not be paying attention to how their child’s temperament is different from their own. Sometimes, parents who are working might feel guilty that they are not as available as they’d like to be. They may sign their child up for many activities, hoping to make up for what they worry they are failing to directly provide their child. Parents may need a gentle reminder that a happy, calm dinner with mom and dad often is more developmentally productive than a rushed drive between two practices and a violin lesson.

Find out if specific activities are born of interest or obligation. Demanding obligatory activities should have important meaning for the child, such as Hebrew lessons prior to a Bar Mitzvah. There should be only one demanding activity that is not fun for a child at a time, though. The balance may come from fun or less-structured activities. Asking a child in front of the parents what activities are (or would be) the most fun or interesting for them can help the family to think through how to prune activities when a child is overscheduled, and remind parents of the value of play.

It also can be helpful to consider a child’s temperament when talking with a family about finding greater balance. If a child is very shy, there can be greater developmental value in activities that promote social skills, even though that child might not naturally seek those activities out. Teens who are struggling to fulfill basic responsibilities may need to have their schedules streamlined, but it is important to preserve an activity that may aid in cultivating their discipline and organization (such as a sports team or a job they value). Highly driven, ambitious adolescents sleeping only 4 hours a night to fulfill their many responsibilities would benefit from making time for relaxation and sleep, and hearing this from a pediatrician may be the critical factor in making it happen.

Finally, ask parents how drained they feel by facilitating their child’s (or children’s) schedule. When parents are so busy with their children’s activities that family time is nonexistent, or one child is receiving a greatly disproportionate share of the parents’ time, it is worth examining. Reminding parents that time spent together around the dinner table and helping with homework or in a shared activity – time that may leave them feeling more charged than drained as parents – is critical for the well-being of the whole family.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].

Parents want to raise their children to be happy and successful in childhood and through adulthood. For many parents, this means giving their children as many opportunities to learn, practice, and master a wide variety of skills outside of school as they possibly can. These activities often include the study of a musical instrument, a sport, an activity in the arts, religious study, and even extra academic work such as math, computer science, or a second language. Each one of these activities can mean many classes or practices outside of the home each week and additional practice time at home.

When you combine these activities with school and homework, children can be busier than most professional adults. And their parents can feel like managing their child’s schedule is another full-time job. By asking parents how many afternoons and evenings are scheduled (or how many hours of down time their children have) each week, you begin a conversation that may help parents determine the right balance for each child and the family.

Without a doubt, there can be tremendous value in making time for extracurricular activities for children. School alone usually does not offer much exposure to music education and the arts, and a daily gym class is sadly a thing of the past for most children. There is a growing body of evidence that daily vigorous exercise in childhood not only promotes good physical health and restorative sleep, and fights obesity, but that it also promotes strong cognitive development and can prevent anxiety and mood symptoms. Sustained experience with a team sport cultivates discipline, frustration tolerance, and resilience alongside friendships and fun. Likewise, there is a growing body of evidence that learning to play a musical instrument contributes in broader ways to healthy cognitive development, cultivates discipline and frustration tolerance, and improves executive function and the attention and self-regulation skills that all school-age children need to develop. Exposure to the arts, to trade skills, or to rare languages may help children discover a unique interest or passion that will draw them through their adolescence. Discovering an area of passionate interest is one of the essential goals of childhood; it can help teens feel good about themselves, and is especially meaningful in children who may not be gaining a lot of self-esteem in other areas, such as schoolwork.

But the well-meant intentions of parents (or interests of children) sometimes can lead to so many extracurricular activities that children barely have time for homework, play, or relaxation. From kindergarten through middle school, children are at the perfect age to be exploring multiple activities as they learn about their own abilities, strengths, and interests. But it is a developmental period in which there also should be plenty of open, free creative play, often with a social component. This is where children not only learn about their own talents, but also try things they might fail at, developing their curiosity, social skills, self-awareness, and resilience. While it can be wonderful to have a weekly music lesson and a team sport at this age, it is critical that there also be protected free play or down time. During this developmental period, children may switch sports, instruments, or hobbies, and it is healthy that they have the time and space to do so. Parents will say that every hour of activity is "fun." But fun with a purpose is different from "senseless fun," which is just fun without an achievement goal. Adults may have "fun" working out, but also have senseless fun playing golf, having a drink with friends, or going to a movie.

Adolescents are more likely to be "pruning" their interests as they figure out where their passions lie. Teenagers may do fewer activities overall, but spend more time on each of them. Of course, many teens will be experiencing great pressure (internal, external or both) to build the strongest possible college applications with the "right" mix of extracurricular activities, which may not line up with their actual interests. They will face the pressure also to be performing at a very high level academically. Some may have jobs, as they seek to build independence. Then add to this the fact that many will be driving themselves to each activity and wanting to spend time with friends and romantic interests, and you have a recipe for adolescents whose every moment is accounted for, to the point that they may skimp on sleep and mealtimes and feel overwhelmed. In choosing how to manage their schedules, adolescents also should be learning about the value of self-care, protecting time to relax, exercise, and sleep adequately (with a good measure of senseless fun texting as they build their identity).

So how do you help your patients and their parents reestablish some balance? You can start by figuring out if they are overscheduled. Ask if their school-age children have as many free afternoons as scheduled ones? Do they have recurring play dates as well as Russian and math classes? Do they have time for senseless fun with friends, siblings, and parents? Ask teenagers how much sleep they are getting? How often is the family able to have dinner together? When is the last time they had time to read a book for pleasure or to explore a new interest? Some children and teenagers may be very busy, but will report feeling like their battery is charged by all of their activities. Although they are busy, their schedule may be a good balance for them. But when children or teens report feeling drained by the end (or middle) of their week, they are likely overscheduled.

If parents resist some easing, you should begin to wonder if the child is the one who chose the activity or it represents a parent’s interests instead? Some parents may have strong feelings about what activities made a difference in their lives, and may not be paying attention to how their child’s temperament is different from their own. Sometimes, parents who are working might feel guilty that they are not as available as they’d like to be. They may sign their child up for many activities, hoping to make up for what they worry they are failing to directly provide their child. Parents may need a gentle reminder that a happy, calm dinner with mom and dad often is more developmentally productive than a rushed drive between two practices and a violin lesson.

Find out if specific activities are born of interest or obligation. Demanding obligatory activities should have important meaning for the child, such as Hebrew lessons prior to a Bar Mitzvah. There should be only one demanding activity that is not fun for a child at a time, though. The balance may come from fun or less-structured activities. Asking a child in front of the parents what activities are (or would be) the most fun or interesting for them can help the family to think through how to prune activities when a child is overscheduled, and remind parents of the value of play.

It also can be helpful to consider a child’s temperament when talking with a family about finding greater balance. If a child is very shy, there can be greater developmental value in activities that promote social skills, even though that child might not naturally seek those activities out. Teens who are struggling to fulfill basic responsibilities may need to have their schedules streamlined, but it is important to preserve an activity that may aid in cultivating their discipline and organization (such as a sports team or a job they value). Highly driven, ambitious adolescents sleeping only 4 hours a night to fulfill their many responsibilities would benefit from making time for relaxation and sleep, and hearing this from a pediatrician may be the critical factor in making it happen.

Finally, ask parents how drained they feel by facilitating their child’s (or children’s) schedule. When parents are so busy with their children’s activities that family time is nonexistent, or one child is receiving a greatly disproportionate share of the parents’ time, it is worth examining. Reminding parents that time spent together around the dinner table and helping with homework or in a shared activity – time that may leave them feeling more charged than drained as parents – is critical for the well-being of the whole family.

Dr. Swick is an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, and director of the Parenting at a Challenging Time (PACT) Program at the Vernon Cancer Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital, also in Boston. Dr. Jellinek is professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, Boston. E-mail them at [email protected].